Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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After He made the world, Hananim was lonely, so He decided to make people to keep Him company. He took some clay from the earth and formed it into a man, then He baked it until it was done. But the first attempt was a failure; it was overcooked and burnt black. So Hananim tried again, and this time He didn't bake the man long enough, and he came out a sickly white. On the third try, Hananim got it right and baked the man perfectly, making him a golden yellow, which is the color of Asians.
The Old Man
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three young, very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into his milk and he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and, like the others, took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man got up and quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
"Naw, just a little too old..." grumbled the other biker.
"Yeah, getting up there in years, I guess..." snickered the third biker.
To which the waitress replied with a half smile and a wink, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just drove his big-rig over three motorcycles!!!"
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three young, very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into his milk and he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and, like the others, took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man got up and quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
"Naw, just a little too old..." grumbled the other biker.
"Yeah, getting up there in years, I guess..." snickered the third biker.
To which the waitress replied with a half smile and a wink, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just drove his big-rig over three motorcycles!!!"
My mother told me that same story when I was 5 yrs old...and I always wondered, why? Not being Asian or Black, LOL.
Don
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
How to give your cat a pill
Probably A Repeat, But It's Funny
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angelâs front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for ASPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Probably A Repeat, But It's Funny
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angelâs front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for ASPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Some Of Murphy's Lesser Known Bits Of Wisdom
~ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
~ Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
~ Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~ If your brother insults you, don't answer until you walk 10 miles in his shoes; then you are far away and you have his shoes.
~ The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~ If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.
~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~ The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
~ The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
~ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
~ Give a man a light and he'll be warm for an instant; light him up and he'll be very hot for the rest of his life.
~ When you go to trial, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
~ There is nothing wrong with being stupid - or is there?
~ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
~ Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
~ Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~ If your brother insults you, don't answer until you walk 10 miles in his shoes; then you are far away and you have his shoes.
~ The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~ If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.
~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~ The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
~ The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
~ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
~ Give a man a light and he'll be warm for an instant; light him up and he'll be very hot for the rest of his life.
~ When you go to trial, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
~ There is nothing wrong with being stupid - or is there?
MOST OF US CAN RELATE TO THE WAY IT WAS AND HOW IT IS NOW. TIMES HAVE CHANGED...
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1966: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006: School goes into lockdown. FBI called. Jack hauled off to jail and he never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1966: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006: Police called. SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark and charge them with assault. Both expelled, even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1966: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good talking-to by Principal who threatens to bring Jeffrey's dad in for a conference if the problem continues. Jeffrey sits still in class.
2006: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Parents get extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car, and his Dad gives him a spanking.
1966: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself, and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with the psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1966: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out in the smoking area.
2006: Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1966: Five high school boys leave town. Mary completes her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006: Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parents consent or knowledge. Mary is given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1966: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college, passes U.S. citizenship test. Starts own business.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by Hispanic community. Newspaper articles appear nationally, explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.
1966: Ants die.
2006: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism. FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly on an airplane again.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1966 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1966: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006: School goes into lockdown. FBI called. Jack hauled off to jail and he never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1966: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006: Police called. SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark and charge them with assault. Both expelled, even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1966: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good talking-to by Principal who threatens to bring Jeffrey's dad in for a conference if the problem continues. Jeffrey sits still in class.
2006: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Parents get extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car, and his Dad gives him a spanking.
1966: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself, and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with the psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1966: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out in the smoking area.
2006: Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1966: Five high school boys leave town. Mary completes her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006: Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parents consent or knowledge. Mary is given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1966: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college, passes U.S. citizenship test. Starts own business.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by Hispanic community. Newspaper articles appear nationally, explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.
1966: Ants die.
2006: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism. FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly on an airplane again.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1966 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it
narrowed down to one of two people: Becky or Jack.
It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than
flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water
cooler the next morning.
Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before,
but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit ."
narrowed down to one of two people: Becky or Jack.
It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than
flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water
cooler the next morning.
Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before,
but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit ."
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