Jokes

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A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yeah, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
 
It's lame to substitute characters in a joke for politicians that you don't like. Not only it's not funny, it also ruins what originally a very good joke. If you want Bill and Hillary jokes, go for the original ones, like this:

Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill stops at a gas station. The man at the gas station comes out and looks into the window.

"Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.

They talk merrily for a few minutes. Bill pays, and they leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.

"You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me," he says. Hillary looks at Bill and says to him,

"Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President"
 
Subject: KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO??

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years- Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Yes we are part of the United States!

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyo-cashun State

Texas
Se Habla Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
 
We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
 
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money
in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
some guy and stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the
Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our
next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other
kids."
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died And went to heaven. , St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
Been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it and said, "I want to hang
Out with God." St. Peter introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson? Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was embarrassed, but said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
Major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer typed in a few words and waited for the results.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
 
Grandma and Grandpa


Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughters graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll
be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

:eek:
 
Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales guy had told me last
year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!


:confused:
 
>Becoming Illegal (From an Maryland resident to his senator)
>
>The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
>309 Hart Senate Office Building
>Washington DC, 20510
>
>Dear Senator Sarbanes,
>
>As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
>Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
>Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
>for
>becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
>
>My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
>illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the
Senate
>and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions
>is
>accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for
five
>years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine
and
>income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when
I
>see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone
>figures it out.
>
>Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes
>every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
>taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
>apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent
result
>for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
>
>Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
>emergency
>room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying
>premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
>almost
>$10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be
that
>my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law
>school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many
>colleges throughout the United States for my son.
>
>Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden
>of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
>insurance
>premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college
>age children driving my car.
>
>If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal
>(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
>be
>most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
>
>Your Loyal Constituent,
>
>Pete McGlaughlin
>
>Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
>1-800-289-1040.
 
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products........
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a
menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the firstresponders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your !#*!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?
 
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