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A Night Out With The Girls....

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed
and the margaritas went down WAY too easy.>

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.


I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
smashed)...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight"!. He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then
he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
The Good Brother

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"It's Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
To which the doctor replies, "DeNephew!"

:) :) :)
 
Walking into the bar, Milton said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Milton replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
 
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about their bathroom facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" or even "bathroom" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Water Closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom as the W.C.

"Does the cabin we are interested in, on your camping ground, have its own W.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that W.C. stood for Wayside Chapel, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a W.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It's so heartwarming to see the expressions in the faces of the visitirs as they are all seated side by side... plus, it's very quiet there and one can hear every little sound in the WC, all the time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community!

:) :) :)
 
English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

But, he really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses…

looking around, he finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use
the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you folk s call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy!"

:) :) :)
 
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION WITH MY FAVORITE DOCTOR.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Grass and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of weeds (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
Good Thinking

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for half a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. When I suddenly saw your lights behind me, I really panicked... I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Thanks you Sir... Have a nice weekend!!" said the officer.

:) :) :)
 
Women enters sex shop, asks for a vibrator

Man: Pick from our range on the wall,

Lady: I'll take the red one

Man: You can't thats the Fokin Fire Extinguisher!
 
For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage.
WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather .... Nothing can ! be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


:eek::eek:
 
Five tips for a woman....

1 It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
 
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