Jokes

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I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I
am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough
to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave
a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you
are one of the changes."



"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest
announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which
is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received.
In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a
karaoke machine."



On a recent trip around Washington, D.C., President Bush was pointing out a
well-known building to his daughters. "You see that triangular-shaped
octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."


"Women claim the most important attribute they look for in a man is a good
sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your
bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges?"

:D
 
The Government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condum because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security whle you're actually being screwed.
 
Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
 
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit .. that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!


Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
 
Quote from g222:

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit .. that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
More...
 
(Too True to be too Funny!!!)

A man from up north moves to Arizona and here's his first summer journal entries...


May 30th Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit.
No more pets in this heat!

July 25th Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.

Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. oesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just
dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Iowa for some peace and quiet.
 
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the
passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and
encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I
Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"! That
person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you
an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and
asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her
watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work
 
Was watching Springer today (what can I say - I've got time on my hands),
and this hillbilly said her drunkard husband wouldn't take a DNA test.
Springer says "what?" She says, "you know, a drug n alcohol test."
 
Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the
church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for
the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."
 
Funny Policeman

"What am I supposed to do with this" grumbled the motorist as the policeman handed him his traffic ticket.
"Keep it," the cop advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."

:D
 
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