Jokes

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Quote from stu:

:D bellman,
That was one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard in my whole life... brilliant - hilarious. I was in stitches but it all went pear shaped.. It became silly and pointless when the mushroom paused !!... how the hell can a mushroom pause..come on..pausing mushrooms??!!... that's ridiculous!!
More...
I don't know about broccolis, carots and mushrooms eating and drinking... It just seems to me that (to stay in the plants family) you guys are nuts!

:) :) :)
 
Subject: Lonely


A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hilary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hilary to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 
Military Wit And Wisdom

Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher


------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine
Corps


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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop


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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal


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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly ov er the area you just
bombed." - US Air Force Manual


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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur


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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal


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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - US Marine
Corp Gunnery Sgt.


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"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance


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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth



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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal


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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous


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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit


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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies


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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop


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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death.. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan


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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)


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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."


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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor


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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."


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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies."


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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."


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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"


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"Flashligh ts are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."


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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."


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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."


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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."


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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."


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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to ."


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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."


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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's
reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
 
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