Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were
going.
"Adam....How are things going?"
Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such
a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask,
if the Lord didn't mind, of course.
"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"
"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm
complaining, mind you."
"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."
"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so
beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"
"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"
going.
"Adam....How are things going?"
Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such
a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask,
if the Lord didn't mind, of course.
"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"
"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm
complaining, mind you."
"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."
"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so
beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"
"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' Collected by
Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in
two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:
------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!
------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
------------------------------------------------
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in
two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:
------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!
------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
------------------------------------------------
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking
to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of
the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from
them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat
made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only
sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence
that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for
several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have
any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way
through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out
of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The
meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The
meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying
to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The
usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio.
'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You
know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by
flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air
through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you
advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and
all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice,
fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and
forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make
contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.
How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing
with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat
containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only
travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and
makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim.
Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the
ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're
sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads
and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others?
Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a
class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations
ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
universe would be if one were all alone."
to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of
the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from
them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat
made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only
sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence
that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for
several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have
any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way
through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out
of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The
meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The
meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying
to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The
usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio.
'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You
know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by
flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air
through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you
advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and
all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice,
fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and
forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make
contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.
How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing
with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat
containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only
travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and
makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim.
Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the
ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're
sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads
and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others?
Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a
class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations
ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
universe would be if one were all alone."
"Imagine if you will..."
Okay, WTf was that??
Okay, WTf was that??
all those in favor of implementing a mandatory "Warning: I just made this joke up in 5 minutes and although I think it is hilarious, it may seem to others to have no freakin' point what-so-ever" raise your hand.
Example:
(Warning: I just made this joke up. It is not very funny and does NOT have a point)
A broccoli walks into a bar and asks for Ketchup and a beer. The bartender surprised by such an odd requests, looks quizzically back at the broccoli and says, "Okay, but what's the beer for?" To which the broccoli replies, "Oh, it's to wash down the Ketchup." The bartender is dumbfounded and can think of no reply, so he obliges and hands the broccoli a beer and a bottle of Ketchup.
A couple minutes later a carrot walks into the same bar, and sits next to the broccoli. He wants mustard and tequila. The bartender is beginning to think he is crazy so this time he asks no questions, just slaps the beer and mustard down in front of the carrot without a word.
Finally a mushroom walks into the same bar, sits down and looks across at the broccoli eating his ketchup beer, and the carrot eating his mustard and beer. The mushroom, is a little grossed out and confused. He raises his eyebrow to the bartender to which the bartender simply shrugs his shoulders.
The mushroom pauses and thinks for a minute, then asks, "so what's it take to get a hotdog around here!?!?!?!?"
Example:
(Warning: I just made this joke up. It is not very funny and does NOT have a point)
A broccoli walks into a bar and asks for Ketchup and a beer. The bartender surprised by such an odd requests, looks quizzically back at the broccoli and says, "Okay, but what's the beer for?" To which the broccoli replies, "Oh, it's to wash down the Ketchup." The bartender is dumbfounded and can think of no reply, so he obliges and hands the broccoli a beer and a bottle of Ketchup.
A couple minutes later a carrot walks into the same bar, and sits next to the broccoli. He wants mustard and tequila. The bartender is beginning to think he is crazy so this time he asks no questions, just slaps the beer and mustard down in front of the carrot without a word.
Finally a mushroom walks into the same bar, sits down and looks across at the broccoli eating his ketchup beer, and the carrot eating his mustard and beer. The mushroom, is a little grossed out and confused. He raises his eyebrow to the bartender to which the bartender simply shrugs his shoulders.
The mushroom pauses and thinks for a minute, then asks, "so what's it take to get a hotdog around here!?!?!?!?"
bellman, That was one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard in my whole life... brilliant - hilarious. I was in stitches but it all went pear shaped.. It became silly and pointless when the mushroom paused !!... how the hell can a mushroom pause..come on..pausing mushrooms??!!... that's ridiculous!!
A Fable for Our Time:
A Japanese company (we'll call it Toyota) and an American company (let's say General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
The consulting firm advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to consist of 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India!
A Japanese company (we'll call it Toyota) and an American company (let's say General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
The consulting firm advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to consist of 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India!
- Status