Jokes

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Tips Say A Lot


A man finished his meal at a restaurant and left his tip: three pennies.

As he walked out, his waitress mumbled, loud enough for him to hear, "You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man spun around, and asked, "Really? What exactly does my tip say to you?"

"Well," she replied, "this first penny says you're a thrifty man."

Barely concealing his pride, the man said, "True enough."

She continued, "And this second penny tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised, he said, "Well, yes, I am."

"And this third penny tells me that your father was, too!"

:p
 
MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this

preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, MAMA
 
Pharmacology News

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is
known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it
has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of
course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives
new meaning to the names of cocktails, high balls and just a good old-
fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of Mount & Do.
 
Quote from clauswitz:

The Perfect Day
More...

I always liked this version better:

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female nude crew
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (and her twin sister).
6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 A night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
 
A Question Of Ownership

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

:) :) :)
 
A Lrtter From Home...


My Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have
to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the
chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rain ed twice last week; the first time
for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we had to cut
them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest thing, but
the baby looks just like your oldest brother.

Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; --- he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends, Cle tus and Buford, were in the back They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.

Your Favorite Aunt

Mom
P.S. I was gonna send you $20.00 but I already sealed the envelope. I'll
try to remember next time.
 
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