Jokes

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Secret Thoughts of Doctors

(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )

What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.

What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.

"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
 
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Englishman,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!
 
Clear Communication (?)

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

:) :) :)
 
Healthy Arab Environment

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was > only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the
bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What
was wrong with me?"

The doctor said .... "You were homesick"
 
Special Skills

A young man walks into a market holding a silver dollar. Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face and falls down on the floor, while the people around him start panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the man on the floor, the woman carefully takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the man convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the man, the woman places the coin next to him and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he can stand and make sure that had suffered no lasting ill effects, the man rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service".

:) :) :)
 
You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - m4w - 25
Reply to: anon-134426482@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Feb 16 10:27:01 2006

It was last Friday. I had just gotten up from a SWEET game of Warcraft on my PC.

Anyway, I realized I was dangerously low on Mountain Dew, so I threw on my lucky green sweat pants and my trenchcoat to walk 3 blocks to the convenience store. I figured if I had enough change, I might even pick up some Slim Jims, but I digress...

On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing with those closest to you.

It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire. After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef. I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I pleaded with the checker to hold my purchases behind the counter for a short time, and I withdrew $20 from the cash machine. Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams.

I saw you immediately, near the bar with your friends. You were at the end of the group with some space next to you, so I settled in close. You noticed me once or twice as I cleared my throat nervously trying to think of what to say. It sounded like you may have commented on my trenchcoat to one of your friends, but I couldn't be sure.

I finally bumped you to get your attention. I may have bumped to hard as I noticed you spilled some of your drink on your shirt. Sorry about that.

ME: So... Do you come here often?

YOU: No. (you turn back to your friends)

ME: Me neither. I hate bars. I can't come to terms with why anyone would want to pay such high margins on watered down drinks they could make at home for a fraction of the cost... (I trail off noticing you aren't listening)

I regroup and lean in close to your ear...

ME: What are you drinking there?

YOU: (barely looking over your should back to me) A gin and tonic.

ME: Can I buy you one?

YOU: I already have one, see... (you hold up your drink sarcastically)

ME: Well then, can I reimburse you for the one you are drinking?

YOU: What? (looking at me now)

ME: Let me pay you back for that one.

YOU: Whatever. (looking puzzled and annoyed)

ME: How much was it?

YOU: What?

ME: How much is a gin and tonic?

YOU: Five dollars

ME: Jesus Christ! What fool pays $5 for a freakin' drink? That's robbery!!!

YOU: Get away from me.

ME: (embarrassed by my outburst) No, no, no. I said I'd pay you for it, so I will. (reaching in my pocket) Do you have change for a $10?

You: What?

ME: I only have a ten dollar bill? Do you have five dollars change?

YOU: (turning to face me completely and folding your arms as your friends quiet down to watch our interaction) Actually, this drink was $6 with tip.

ME: What?

YOU: My drink. It was $5 plus $1 for tip!

ME: Damn, this is getting expensive. Ok, do you have $4 change for my $10.

YOU: No.

ME: Well, then I'll have to get change from the bartender.

YOU: Don't bother. Leave me alone. (you turn back to your friends as they erupt in laughter)

I spend 10 mintues trying to get the bartender's attention. I can't blame him much because he was very busy serving so many other morons begging to be robbed of their hard earned dollars. When he finally gets to me, he tells me he won't give me change, but I can buy a drink and will get change from that. I tell him I wouldn't dream of paying such inflated prices for frozen water and a few drops of our country's last legal poison… He goes on to the next patron.

Frustrated, I go to the bathroom to pee and think about my next move. I'm pretty sure if I can just pay you for that drink that we will soon be making hot monkey love back at my apartment. However, I am disappointed at how much dating is already costing me, and how many obstacles one must overcome to simply buy a girl a drink. I start to plan my speech to you about how I may have jumped into this relationship too quickly, and that maybe we should just be friends.

While washing my hands in the sink, I notice there's a bathroom attendant. He is smiling and waiting with fresh paper towels for me. Next to him is his tray of tips stacked with dollar bills. I drop my ten dollar bill on the tray, as the attendants smile widens. Then, I pick up a pile of ones and begin counting them. The bathroom attendant gets very hostile and grabs the cash from my hand. I wrestle with him over the wad of cash. One of the bouncers must have been just outside the bathroom. I was sure that he would understand my story, and we could get everything sorted out. Boy was I wrong. He didn't want to hear anything. He just grabbed me by my trench coat and ripped me out the bathroom door and toward the exit. I yelled "I LOVE YOU" to you as he dragged me past your group. You replied loudly for all to hear F--K OFF CREEP!!!

I know we're meant for each other. Give me another chance.
 
Little known facts of the Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.


1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 7 )

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)



:D
 
Top 10 reasons why working alone sucks

10. You always know who stole the stapler (thanks pilot)
9. There is no one to cover for you when the boss calls (thanks TomCatt)
8. you have no one to brag to that you came in an hour late (thanks TomCatt)
7. Water cooler conversations a bit one sided (thanks pilot)
6. No one to blame when your lunch is missing (thanks Malky)
5. Office pranks just aren’t as funny as they used to be (thanks pilot)
4. There is no one to complain to about the Boss (thanks Malky)
3. You always know who took the last doughnut
2. You always win the office March Madness pool but don’t make any money

and the number one reason…..

1. Interoffice affairs are no fun


http://www.benedictfamily.org/?p=48
 
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