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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman... I was just sitting there and she came onto me, no questions asked!"

"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell"

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew . His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

:) :) :)
 
Yannis, no one can make me laugh like you. Tell me, are you really Robin Williams' (or maybe Jeff Foxworthy's) 'alter-ego' that has survived a previous life of salesmanship, political misfortune or legal wrangling??

You're on a roll and you're killing me!!!
 
In pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen, etc. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course, ibepokin.
 
The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives, And Southerners

QUESTION:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a loaded Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:
BANG!

SOUTHERNER'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
(sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
 
A chinese couple enter the bedroom chamber on thier wedding night. The bride, a shy virgin, turns out the light, undresses, and quickly gets into bed and pulls the covers up to her chin. The groom lays beside her and and says with a tender smile, "daling, I ruv you so much, I know dis yaw fis time, I go easy. I do anyting you wah, anyting. Wha yu wan?"

The bride smiles sheepishly and replies, "I wan numma sisty-nine"

The groom furrows his eyebrows in confusion and asks "Yu wan beef with broccoli?"
 
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm not
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
 
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

The man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

"Oh, that idiot," the old woman exclaimed, "he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

:) :) :)
 
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