Jokes

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This ones almost too bad, but here's it anyway:


The three Chinese friends Bu, Chu and Fu went to America.

There they changed their names:

Bu became Buck

Chu became Chuck

and Fu....

......returned to China :D
 
Operator :
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut May I have your order?"

Customer: "Hello, I would like to order.."

Operator :
"Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"

Operator :
"OK..you're..Mr Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow
Drive. Your home number is 494 2366, your office 745 2302
and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the
delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?

Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are 'connected to the system' Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza...?"

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir"

Customer: "What?..What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"


Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean
Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up..Give me three family sized ones
then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.
The total is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your
credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank
$3720.55 since October last year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on
your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM
and withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't do that Sir. Based on the records, you've
reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash
ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"


Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can
always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What the..?"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,
...registration number E1123..."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th
July 1987. You were convicted of using abusive
language to a policeman...

Customer:( Speechless)

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.. by the way..are you giving me the 3 free
bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic......" !!!!



:D
 
36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a
family sedan.
34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
33. We don't keep firearms in this house.
32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
31. You can't feed that to the dog.
30. I thought Graceland was tacky.
29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
28. Wrestling's fake.
27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
26. We're vegetarians.
25. Do you think my gut is too big?
24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits
and gravy.
23. Honey, we don't need another dog.
22. Who gives a hoot who won the Nascar race?
21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.
13. I've got it all on the C: drive.
12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
7. Checkmate.
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
2. You all.

And, Number ONE is:

1. Duct tape won't fix that.

:D
 
Yannis - GREAT story/idea!!

It'll be an update of an old Movie Classic (similar to the 'Brady Bunch Movie')!!

Remember "DELIVERANCE"??

"Squeal like a pig"
 
The train was very crowded, so a soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also arrogant"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
 
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece decorations for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."


WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
 
" Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
:D
 
It is well known in scientific circles that Dr. Aleksei Espandigero Smith (1935-1975) died accidentally only two seconds after discovering a simple, and easily replicable, sientific method through which any scientist can tell the difference between a real Cuban cigar and a regular stick of dynamite, by using only a simple match. Sad, very sad, but true.

:) :) :)
 
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