Jokes

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A farmer wanted to breed his prize bull but the bull showed no inclination to "visit" the cows, The farmer asked his vet & the vet gave him some tonic for the bulls problem. The farmer was telling a friend about his bull suddenly breeding with every cow in the pasture. When the friend asked the farmer if he knew what the Vet had given him, he replied, 'No, but it tasted a lot like quinine".

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one
morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of
breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's! stamina and asked him what
he
did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any
rye
bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this

shit but me."
 
One of my all time favs.......

It's December 1961. Eddie has just landed a date with the headcheerleader, Debbie.

Eddie, all spruced up, knocks on the door, and meets Papa.

"You must be Eddie".
"Yessir"
"Come on in, Eddie. You should learn by now, the ladies are never ready on time. So what do you and my little girl plan on doing tonight?"

"Wellsir, I'd thought we'd go to the new Jack Lemon picture, "Days of Wine and Roses", and then we'd grab a burger, and I'd have her home by 10:30, sir."

"Oh. ........... mind if I give you a little "heads up", young man??"
"heads up???? sir?"

"Eddie, my little girls loves to screw."

"Sir???!!!????! ": Eddies eyes are bulging, his face is beat red.... the veins pop from his neck. "She likes to screw sir?"

"Ats right. My little girl can screw all night long, and you've had enough, she's going to grab you and screw some more. Look son, I see you're surprise. I know those places where you screw cost a couple bucks more. Here's a tenspot. Show her a real good time."

Eddie is shocked. There's blood pumping so fast, it's whirring. Just then, Debbie appears at the top of the stairs. Boofy hair, perfect makeup. Fake pearls white sweater. Poodle skirt, saddle shoes with white ankle socks. Stud earrings, looking as pretty as Sandra Dee. Eddie bolts up the stairs, never reaching the top. He grabs Debbie by the arm and pulls her, no he jerks her, from the top stair and bolts out the door.

Not five minutes go by. Debbie comes stumbling into the house. Hair mussed up, makeup smudged, sweater torn..........

"Goddamit Daddy. It's TWIST. I like to TWIST."
 
A man is eating dinner in a restaurant. He notices a kid at the next table flipping a quarter in the air and trying to catch it with his teeth. The kid misses, quarter gets stuck in his throat and he starts to choke. The man calmly gets up, walks over, grabs the kid by the nuts, and squeezes. The kid yells in pain, and the quarter pops out. The man picks it up from the floor, puts it in his pocket and goes back to finish his meal. A woman at another table goes up to the man and says "I never saw anything like that. Are you some kind of new-age doctor?" The man says "Not me. I'm a NASDAQ market maker."
 
Joe, a guy traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston ."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle."
 
Playing African Roulette

Former President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader who smiled and suggested that Clinton participate in their National game of 'African Roulette', which is related to 'Russian Roulette'.

President Clinton frowned. "Russian Roulette is not a friendly game."

The African leader smiled again. "That's why we developed African Roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton .

This gained Clinton 's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" he asked.

The African leader responded, "Well, you see, Mr. President, one of them is a cannibal!"

:D
 
Three Magical Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $30, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out six $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean My House!"

:D
 
The Two Letters

A woman leaving her husband wrote:

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Signed Your Ex-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


The man wrote back:

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

:D
 
Question Of Ownership

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man in New York and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

:) :) :)
 
> THE HUSBAND AND THE FORGOTTEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
>>
>> Ed was in trouble.
>>
>> He forgot his wedding anniversary.
>>
>> His wife was really pissed.
>>
>> She told him
>>
>> "Tomorrow morning,
>>
>> I expect to find a gift in the driveway
>>
>> that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds,
>>
>> AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
>>
>> The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
>>
>> When his wife woke up,
>>
>> she looked out the window and sure enough,
>>
>> there was a small box gift-wrapped
>>
>> in the middle of the driveway.
>>
>> Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to t the driveway
>>
>> brought the box back in the house.
>>
>> She opened it and found
>>
>> a brand new bathroom scale

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for f Friday
 
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