Jokes

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National Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 semi-finalists... a Yale graduate and a redneck from Tennessee. They were given a word, and then allowed 2 minutes to study and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and recited...

Slowly across the sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

Judging from the enthusiastic applause in the theater, no way could the redneck top that, they thought. Not batting an eyelash, the redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and said...

Me and Tim a huntin went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two...
I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The crowd jumped to their feet and went crazy... He won hands down!

:p
 
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a
car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,"
said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the
driver offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo--you
live with it!"



:D
 
Corporate Life #31

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching Supervisor, AT&T)

:) :) :)
 
I worked at a place where the org chart was highly secret, only know to a few at the top. Apparently there were several positions where people were not as high up as they were led to believe.
 
Government contracting

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from
Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a
White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and
$100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we
hire the guy from Kentucky."
 
Be careful at the mall

Hello my friends. As some of you know, I purchased an old house on the lake a few months ago. I have been doing some extensive remodeling to it. I don't know if you guys shop at the mall, but this may be useful to know. I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a very clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you too, if you are not watching.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 25-year-old women come over as you are loading what you bought into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another mall. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday. Unfortunately, I couldn't find them today, and I looked everywhere. All in all, I'm out six old wallets and about $18.50... So please be very, very careful - you hear?!!

:D
 
Saving Money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple agreed that every time they made love the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank.

One night, during a particularly athletic session of love-making, he knocked the bank off the table.

It hit the floor and shattered. To his surprise, among the coins was a handful of bills.

"What's with the paper money?" he asked his wife.

"Well," she replied, "not everyone's as cheap as you!"




:eek:
 
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible
sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already
starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor
goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.


The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will the Viagra
do for him now, Doctor?"


"It'll keep the sheets from touching his legs."

:eek:
 
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