Jokes

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Valid Complaint

A man complained to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his: "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till 2 in the morning!"

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway..."

:) :) :)
 
Old George goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, Poof the light goes on. When I'm done, Poof the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

Bobbie," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, the light goes off?"

"Oh NO!" Bobbie exclaims.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
 
Clinton's Solution to Bankrupt Airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some
good-looking' strippers! What the hell? The attendants
have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual
businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I
still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
 
"Will I Live To Be 80?"


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
 
Here is absolute proof that it doesn't take intelligence to get rich.

From the WSJ:

Gator 1, Developer 0
Florida real-estate developer Ronald Bergeron was recovering from his injuries after jumping on an unsuspecting alligator's back in a bid to impress some guests. The alligator reacted in precisely the way one would expect of any gator that suddenly found itself with a land developer lashed on to its back -- it chomped down on Mr. Bergeron's hand and dragged him into 15 feet of water. Some of Mr. Bergeron's friends were able to free him by pulling on the animal's tail. The 62-year-old multimillionaire, who owns the nature preserve where the incident took place, was suffering from a shattered pinky, a broken ring finger and puncture wounds in his palm. There were no signs, however, that Mr. Bergeron was suffering from a bout of humility. "It's part of my Florida cracker culture," he explained to the Associated Press, saying gator wrestling was "too exciting" to give up.
 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to
be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever
lost

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning, which they still observe to this day The National Day of
Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as “Sinko
de Mayo”.
 
On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious
about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he
snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his
pants and handed his member to his bride.

"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light
if you want to write thank-you notes ."
 
Not So Politically Correct!

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
-You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
-Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
-Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from?
-Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
-It isn't hard.

How can you make your wife scream while making love?
-Call her and tell her where you are.

What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
-His last name.

What's the down side to a threesome?
-You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

How do you know you're really ugly?
-Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why are hurricanes named after women?
-Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

:D
 
Additional items of interest regarding Nudist Colonies:

Who's the most popular man in nudist colony?
He who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Most popular woman?
She who can eat the last donut
 
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