Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where
she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice,
and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items
on the conveyer belt to check out, the cashier looked at her and smiled and said, "You must be single?"
The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual
about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's
right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The cashier replied, "Because your fucking ugly!"
she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice,
and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items
on the conveyer belt to check out, the cashier looked at her and smiled and said, "You must be single?"
The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual
about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's
right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The cashier replied, "Because your fucking ugly!"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note.
Thoughtful, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items.
The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:
Dear DEBBIE I chose these because you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from, showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and although they were a little tight, they looked really smart.
She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny.
In fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will be naturally damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
Happy Birthday All my love Stuart
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!
Thoughtful, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items.
The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:
Dear DEBBIE I chose these because you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from, showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and although they were a little tight, they looked really smart.
She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny.
In fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will be naturally damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
Happy Birthday All my love Stuart
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Conflicted
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Conflicted
Third grade classroom.
Teacher is doing vocabulary.
Teacher asks Sally to use the word "wonderful" in a sentence.
Sally says "I went to a party and had a wonderful time".
Teacher asks Suzi to use the word "photograph" in a sentence.
Suzi says "I have a photograph of my whole family in a frame on the wall of my bedroom".
Teacher asks Aphie to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.
Aphie says "Urinate....if you had tits you'd be a ten".
Teacher is doing vocabulary.
Teacher asks Sally to use the word "wonderful" in a sentence.
Sally says "I went to a party and had a wonderful time".
Teacher asks Suzi to use the word "photograph" in a sentence.
Suzi says "I have a photograph of my whole family in a frame on the wall of my bedroom".
Teacher asks Aphie to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.
Aphie says "Urinate....if you had tits you'd be a ten".
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