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A Thrifty Story

Good old Mr McDougall found himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask for help from above. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. McDougall again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and McDougall still has no luck. Once again, he prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've been good all my life and have never given you any trouble. I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a faithful servant to you, NEVER missed a Sunday at church. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and McDougall is confronted by the deepest and most powerful voice he has ever heard: "McDougall, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a blessed ticket!!!"

:) :) :)
 
Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your little sports car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman or man you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply said: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would then stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Which means, once again, that you should never forget to "Think Outside The Box."

:) :) :)
 
Correct use of the "F" word

Correct use of the "F" word… or, When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" - Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%in Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 !

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon, girl... Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

and: drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!" -- Saddam Hussein, 2003!!!

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Butch the Rooster

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile. John kept records and any rooster that
didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was that the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them?

:) :) :)
 
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .......Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
 
An old man and Woman are sitting at the dinner table reminiscing about the old days when all of a sudden the woman kicks the man in the shin under the table.
The man says "hey! what was that for?" ... to which the woman replies : "that's for 30 years of bad sex!".
The man sits for a bit, rubbing his shin and thinking and then suddenly he kicks the woman back in shin. She says "what the hell was that for?!" to which he replies : "That's for knowing the difference!".
 
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'

So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thinks that might be good advice. So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and says, "Here, you try on mine."

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
 
A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes
her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
 
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