Jokes

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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your hubby and you agree - no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
 
Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Answer #5: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honour."

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
 
Physicians Advised to Avoid Slang

[Physicians have been advised in the "Ethics and Behaviour" supplement of the British Medical Journal to abandon their use of medical slang. The article notes that ambiguous slang terms can lead to serious misunderstandings (i.e. GOK can either refer to “God Only Knows” or “Gastro-Oesophageal Reflux”) and litigation issues. As a public service, here is a glossary of popular terms that should now be avoided...]


Ash cash... Money paid for signing death certificates or cremation forms.

Assmosis... Promotion by "kissing ass."

ATS... Acute Thespian Syndrome.

Bash cash... Money paid for completing accident forms in Emergency departments.

Betty... Someone with diabetes.

BOHICA... Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.

BWS... Beached Whale Syndrome.

CHAOS... Chief Has Arrived On Scene.

CLL... Chronic Low-Life.

CNS-QNS... Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient.

Coffin dodger... Elderly patient.

CPR... Come Put 'em to Rest.

CTD... Circling The Drain (or Close To Death).

DBI... Dirt Bag Index, a complex calculation involving the number of tattoos multiplied by the number of missing
teeth to give an estimate of the time since the patient last bathed.

Departure lounge... Geriatric ward.

Digging for worms... Varicose vein surgery.

Double-blind trial... Two orthopods looking at an ECG.

Expensive Scare... Intensive care.

Fascinoma... A case with interesting pathology.

FIBD... Found In Bed Dead.

FLK... Funny-Looking Kid.

Flower sign... Flowers at patient's bedside - a supportive family.

FORD... Found On Road Dead.

Freud squad... Psychiatrists.

FTF... Failure To Fly - failed suicide attempt.

Gassers... Anaesthetists.

GLM... Good-Looking Mum.

GOK... God Only Knows.

GOMA... Get Out of My Ambulance.

GOMER... Get Out of My E.R.

GPO... Good for Parts Only.

Guessing tube... Stethoscope.

Handbag-positive... A confused, elderly female patient, usually lying on a hospital bed clutching her handbag.

HIF... Hysterical Italian Family (can be interchangeable with any ethnic group).

House red... Blood.

IBM... Incredible Barfing Man.

IDM... It Doesn't Matter.

Jesus bus... Going to die soon (i.e. "He's on the Jesus bus").

JLD... Just Like Dad - found under FLK once the father appears.

LOBNH... Lights On But Nobody Home.

MAGGOT... Medically Able, Go Get Other Transportation (i.e. not the ambulance);

Metabolic Clinic... The lunch room or cafeteria.

NAD... Not Actually Done.

Parentectomy... Recommended treatment for many paediatric disorders.

PD... Pretty Drunk.

Pest control... E.R. staffers referred patient to a psychiatrist.

PFO... Pissed Fell Over - drunken patient injured in fall.

PIM... Patient Is Mangled.

PITA... Pain In The Ass.

PRATFO... Patient Reassured And Told To F___ Off.

Pumpkin-positive... A person of limited intelligence (i.e. a penlight shone into his or her mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up).

Removal men... Mortuary attendants or those who take elderly patients to long-term care.

Rule of Five... If patient has more than five orifices with tubing in them, the condition is considered critical.

TATT... Talks All The Time.

TEETH... Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy.

Treat 'n' street... E.R. term for quick patient turnaround.

TUBE... Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination.

UBI... Unexplained Beer Injury.
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".
 
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing… The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?" he asks her.

"Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

:) :) :)
 
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his
pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"
 
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-
history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of
food five times their own weight.

What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

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A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers
money troubles:

It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to
dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought
in kilograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped
by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we
haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in Celsius
and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow.

Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half
the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell
out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed
from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for
anyone to buy the stinking place!!
 
This is MY kind of doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoabeans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate covered strawberries in the other a body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
 
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