Jokes 2

A sweet old lady named Rose, living at the local old folks home, was sitting outside one nice day when Bernie, who considers himself quite the Romeo, sidles up to her and says, “hi, sweetie. How’d you like to make some whoopee?”

Rose giggles and looks away. Bernie continues, “for $5, we could have some fun in that rocking chair over there.” Rose blushes.

“For $10, we could stretch out on the couch in the community room after everyone goes to sleep and really enjoy ourselves.” Rose blushes more deeply.

“Or,” Bernie says, “for $20, we can spend the entire night together in my room.”

Rose giggles nervously but pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill from her purse.

“Ah,” says Bernie, “you want to spend the whole night together.”

“Heck no,” replies Rose. “I want 4 times in the rocking chair!”
 
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The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!
 
A little old lady went to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat, and was sold the cat food. . .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog, and was sold the dog food. . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out, and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."

The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper."
 
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