Jokes 2

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He has the biggest feet she’s ever seen.

The woman coyly asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true.

The cowboy replies, “Sure is Ma'am, why don’t you come back to my place and let me prove it?”

The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him.

When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a one hundred dollar bill.

“I’m flattered,” he says grinning. “You must have really enjoyed me!”

“Uhh, not so much,” the woman replies,...

“Take the money and go buy yourself some smaller boots!”
 
Bob was in a lot of trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed, and started to give him the business.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
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The struggle is real!
 
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and sneaks into the bedroom closet.

A few minutes later, the woman hears her husband arrive home, so hurriedly hides her lover in the closet - not knowing the boy was hiding in there also.

The little boy says, "It sure is dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

The boy says, "I have a baseball."

The man replies, "That's nice."

"Want to buy it?"

"No, thanks."

"My dad's outside."

The man sighs, "OK, how much?"

"$250!"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, "It sure is dark in here."

The man responds, "Yes, it is."

"I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?

"$750?"

The man sighs again, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy grins, "$1000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, it's way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It sure is dark in here."

The priest exclaims, "Holy smokes, how much this time?"
 
A Russian mother in Moscow called to her 8 year old son and said "here is 30 rubles - go to the newsstand and get a Pravda for you father, a Dezevestia for myself, and a Konsomol Pravda for you."

Dutifully, he goes outside and bumps into his father on the stoop.

He asked "Where are you going?"

The boy replies, "Momma said to to the newsstand and get a Pravda for you, a Dezevestia for her, and a Konsomol Pravda for myself."

The father said, "Give me the 30 rubles." Pocketing them, he tells his son, "We are a modern Russian family - we have a radio!"

Dejected, the boy goes back to their flat. When his mother asks where are the newspapers, he tells her what transpired with his father.

Shaking her head, she gives him 20 rubles, and tells him to go to the newsstand and get a Dezevestia for her and a Konsomol Pravda for himself.

The boy asks "What about Papa?"

The mother replies, "We are the modern Russian family - your father can wipe his ass on the radio."
 
Bob is in his first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane.

His instructor all of a sudden has a heart attack and dies.

"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!"

Bob hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with these kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position."

Bob replies, "I'm 6'1" and in the front seat."

(After a long pause)

"O.K." says the the voice in the radio....."Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."
 
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