Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
I need one of these at work!!!
From: chartwizard@gmail.com
To: Ds842@aol.com
Sent: 12/5/2016 3:36:33 P.M. Mountain Standard Time
Subj: Heavenly Ducks (or How Women Think)
Three women die in an accident together and they all go to Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together just like he did with the first woman.
The third woman has seen all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months and months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . . . very tall, long eyelashes and athletic.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"
To: Ds842@aol.com
Sent: 12/5/2016 3:36:33 P.M. Mountain Standard Time
Subj: Heavenly Ducks (or How Women Think)
Three women die in an accident together and they all go to Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together just like he did with the first woman.
The third woman has seen all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months and months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . . . very tall, long eyelashes and athletic.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"
Riding A Bike
A Priest was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and to be kind to each other and now, how could you just kill these people in cold blood?
The chief replied: "My bike."
A Priest was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and to be kind to each other and now, how could you just kill these people in cold blood?
The chief replied: "My bike."
The little baby polar bear is running around the igloo on the Tundra and asks his mom
"Mommy, am I all polar bear"?
"Yes you're all polar bear".
"No I mean like 100% polar bear"?
"Yes you're 100% polar bear".
"Are you sure? Maybe I have a little brown bear or black bear, or maybe some koala bear in me...".
"NO! You are 100% polar bear! Now go bother your father"!
So the little polar bear walks outside and finds his father.
"Daddy...am I 100% polar bear"?
"Of course you are son".
"No I mean 100% polar bear. Like no brown bear or black bear... maybe some koala bear"?
"No son... you are 100% polar bear... why are you even asking"?
"Cause I'm fucking COLD"!
"Mommy, am I all polar bear"?
"Yes you're all polar bear".
"No I mean like 100% polar bear"?
"Yes you're 100% polar bear".
"Are you sure? Maybe I have a little brown bear or black bear, or maybe some koala bear in me...".
"NO! You are 100% polar bear! Now go bother your father"!
So the little polar bear walks outside and finds his father.
"Daddy...am I 100% polar bear"?
"Of course you are son".
"No I mean 100% polar bear. Like no brown bear or black bear... maybe some koala bear"?
"No son... you are 100% polar bear... why are you even asking"?
"Cause I'm fucking COLD"!