Jokes 2

Handle123 said:
MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2016..

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there , thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much onphysical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
More...

Perhaps in-temperate - found blotto on the floor in the boozer
in-animate - as above
in-active - well I was watching the Olympics
in-carnate - don't know what that word means
in-capable - still in the boozer
in-articulate - long words confuse me
in-deed - did some last week
in-sufferable - so the girl friend says
in-tolerable - she is getting out the baseball bat again
 
Two ladies exchanging notes in heaven:

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I froze to death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer......we'd both still be alive.
 
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Two patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.
Patient 1 is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
Patient 2 sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. In November, if there is no change in government, we'll all have to find a good vet.
 
Handle123 said:
Two patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.
Patient 1 is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
Patient 2 sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. In November, if there is no change in government, we'll all have to find a good vet.
More...

Of course this joke is originally from Canada.
 
THE CYCLE of LIFE

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree tomeet in Chicago and play golf.
They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."

Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."

Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"

At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At 80 -
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"I don’t think we’ve been there before”













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