Jokes 2

Humpy said:
I would like to register a protest that the above post may be true in most respects but it shows a wilful disrespect for idiots. As medical science progresses it seems likely that idiots will outnumber any sensible people and in a democracy will have the ultimate say in what goes on. So there ! Get used to it !

:D
More...

I totally agree with you, and what is worst are many have already been elected to offices all the way to top offices. Granted Trump certainly is an idiot with all his outbursts as he is far from being a politician, and a politician would be careful not to hurt anyone's feeling cause they fear losing votes, and that is one of many problems with USA. What ever happened to the majority ruling and we spend way to much money to give minorities more than Majorities. But on other side of coin, Clinton is a crook and the game is rigged big time and they are putting it right out there they are crooks, asking the government for another 26 months to delay charges to be filed against Clinton foundation so they can fill it up even more with illegal donations. When is American public going to wake up? Maybe total depression will do it. It is coming eventually, interest rates will go up and we can't pay. If ya have cash piled up, hold off till real estate drops 40% plus than start buying from the banks. I have stopped buying real estate and started selling off but certainly not at any price, at most I can get. Instead of cash, been asking they trade me in Gold. And if they willing to pay me 25% down, am willing to hold the note cause the houses often cost me around $25k when I first bought them on couple dozen of the ones am selling.

Someone recently asked me where is some of the big money is right now with min risk, often times I will pass on some of what is out there as I don't have the stomach for it. Trucking done by Owner Operators, most run on shoe string budgets and have next to nothing saved up in case of emergencies. Now most companies that are paying the freight charges have up to 90 days before paying for the freight, if they pay it, so these show string truckers go to someone who is billing to do Freight Factoring, http://www.thetruckersreport.com/freight-factoring-guide/ talk about a legal way to rip off under capitalized truck driver. Huge discounts made, and if party don't pay, you contact the owner operator and he has to refund total amount back to you. If I was younger and just starting out in life, I might do this type of investing, but now later in life, I won't. Am more now trying to behave and repair my bad deeds as I see them.

Happy Trading all on Friday, been long week.
 
TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES

mber 1:


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- Did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- Who provided this description?'

A:'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q:'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, Sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes, Sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, Sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, Sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, Officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, Sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win!


Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
 
rHfapua.jpg
 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...............
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,................. "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
Blonds......:p

_______________________________________

A young ventriloquist is touring California and, one night, he's doing a show in LA.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh** on your lap!"
 
Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed
in the morning and hops in his fancy car to visit with his cronies.
I know he's cheated on me many times with younger girls who could be his
granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy
cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.
We sleep in separate beds and he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian,
and my varicose veins and big ass turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan or should I leave him, Abby?
Your advice would be appreciated.

Mad as Hell.


Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. Pack your bags
now and move out ASAP!
Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan. Be a lady.

Remember... you're running for President of the United States of America so
try acting like it!

Abby
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in a national park. They set up their tent
and are soon asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and asks,
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn
is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb-ass,.... someone stole our tent."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top