Jokes 2

I was talking to three hefty looking women at the bar.

Their accents sounded Scottish, so I asked them "Are you ladies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched "it's Wales you idiot, Wales!"

I apologized and replied "Oh sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.
 
BEST KISS

A biker was riding along the road when he saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he stopped. He gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "That was the best kiss I've had in a long time. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You're a hot, passionate, young thing. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
 
Handle123 said:
BEST KISS

A biker was riding along the road when he saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he stopped. He gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "That was the best kiss I've had in a long time. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You're a hot, passionate, young thing. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
More...

You forgot to add the part about the biker pushing "her" off the bridge. :)
 
While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied: 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge
 
Getting dogs ready for Halloween.


jM48RN7.jpg
 
Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,

(hopefully you're ready for this)

The coffin stops...!

:):):)
 
Bob a young journalism graduate from Tennessee had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions. Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Dick replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different way. He asked Farmer Dick, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
 
Here's a fucking joke, got to restroom in middle of night and crap/puke at same time.
Really, why do people try to get better on other side of you life, it all on wrong side of fun, before you know it you buying diapers again with your name on them again and spitting up.



Got to have "cents" of humor.
 
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen..." Steven Wright :)
 
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