Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Quote from Yannis:
Paraphrasing DL
Based on what you know about him from recent history, what do you think Osama BinLaden would be doing if he were alive today?
...
Driving a cab.
Changing "was" to "is" on his wikipedia page.
Laughing at the man in France who was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden.
Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory ever.
How To Be Really Annoying
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...
Honk and wave to strangers.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles".
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...
Honk and wave to strangers.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles".
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never been kissed. You gotta make things right for her, a french kiss for a whole 3 minutes.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never been kissed. You gotta make things right for her, a french kiss for a whole 3 minutes.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Another Fine Collection Of Funny One Liners
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the timeI was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte , Montana , you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.
Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?
Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talents has no place to stink.
George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the timeI was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte , Montana , you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.
Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?
Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talents has no place to stink.
George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger