Jokes 2

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door in her face.
 
Tough Economy
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This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
 
Top Twelve Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads

12. SFTRR - Senator From The Rest Room

11. CDP - Cross Dressing Politician

10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike

9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President

8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor

6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor

5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male

4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President

3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick

2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto

1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash
 
Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

10. The Null Monty

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Check of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All Doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread
 
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
 
BARN BURNED DOWN

Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.

Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband."
 
I saw a guy sitting by himself in the pub.

He didn't seem to have any friends so i thought i would start a conversation. I said "Have you read anything interesting recently?"

He replied, "No",

so i said "Well, you must have read a book or a magazine".

Again he answered "No".

Astounded i asked "So what have you read?" He replied "I've red hair".
 
Just back from trick/treating. We got a lot of cash but skipped on the candy.

I dressed up as a lawyer and my two kids dressed up as "slip" and "fall". for desired effect I had them wear signs.

Basically I had one or both of them trip on the steps and ta da, dad shows up to settle out of court for injuries.

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Back at the house, I handed out plastic bags. The fat kids I'd give them a couple handfulls. Save me a trip to Wall Mart to recycle.
 
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