Jokes 2

I visited my friend in hospital, who has amoebic dysentery.

As I leaned across his bed to give him some grapes, I lifted my leg, closed one eye, and let out a huge audible fart.

''I wish I could do that!'' he said.

''You can, you can, you silly old fool!'' I said.

''No.'' ''You don't understand. I can't.'' he insisted.

''Yes you can,'' I said. ''Here, pull my finger.''
 
doctors have advised me I need a vasectomy, its a big procedure i guess.
but its my fault for sticking the vase up my ass in the first place
 
An anonymous reader writes "It appears that Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones and her lawyer were so upset by a comment on the site TheDirty.com that they missed the 'y' at the end of the name. Instead, they sued the owner of TheDirt.com, whose owner didn't respond to the lawsuit. The end result was a judge awarding $11 million, in part because of the failure to respond. Now, both the owners of TheDirty.com and TheDirt.com are complaining that they're being wrongfully written about in the press — one for not having had any content about Sarah Jones but being told it needs to pay $11 million, and the other for having the content and having the press say it lost a lawsuit, even though no lawsuit was ever actually filed against it."
 
I will never forget what my dear old Dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Son... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
 
I bought some of these flavoured condoms the other day. Said to my wife, "Let's have a game - I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is."

She closed her eyes, went under the blanket and said, "Cheese and onion flavour."

I said, "For fuck's sake, give me time to put one on."
 
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France faces serious disruption on Tuesday in a nationwide strike to fight proposals to raise the retirement age.

The first fight France aren't running away from.
 
Man walks into library

" Do you have a book on schizophrenia?"

The librarian says,

" We only have one but they are both out at the moment"
 
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