Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Baby or monkey
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
banana for your monkey."
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
banana for your monkey."
Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most
trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most
trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
A man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
Our Fearless Leader
Well Faith and Begorra!
Moneygall is a small village in County Offaly , Ireland. It has a population of approximately 300 people. Moneygall has a Roman Catholic church, five shops, a post office, a national school, a police station and two pubs (of course). President-of the United States of America Barack Obama's great great great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, emigrated from Moneygall to New York City at the age of 19 in 1850 and eventually resettled in Tipton County, Indiana. Kearney 's father had been the village shoemaker, then a wealthy skilled trade.
And now for the SONG: Click on the link below and you'll have to smile...
http://www.oneeyedparrot.org/obama.html
Well Faith and Begorra!
Moneygall is a small village in County Offaly , Ireland. It has a population of approximately 300 people. Moneygall has a Roman Catholic church, five shops, a post office, a national school, a police station and two pubs (of course). President-of the United States of America Barack Obama's great great great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, emigrated from Moneygall to New York City at the age of 19 in 1850 and eventually resettled in Tipton County, Indiana. Kearney 's father had been the village shoemaker, then a wealthy skilled trade.
And now for the SONG: Click on the link below and you'll have to smile...
http://www.oneeyedparrot.org/obama.html
Subject: "Honesty" 40th Class Reunion
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Samantha hearing all this honesty confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Samantha hearing all this honesty confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Scottish Tightwad Humor
Old McDonnell was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didnât seem happy.
âWhatâs wrong?â the friend asked. âYou just became a multi-millionaire!â
âI know,â McDonnell groaned, âBut I canât imagine why I bought that second %%$$## ticket!...â
Old McDonnell was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didnât seem happy.
âWhatâs wrong?â the friend asked. âYou just became a multi-millionaire!â
âI know,â McDonnell groaned, âBut I canât imagine why I bought that second %%$$## ticket!...â
I think I did this one, and it will show up in Baron's "Jokes of ET" novelette. But it 's similiar, in that a man realizes his penis is turning orange. In a panic, he goes to the Doctor.
The Doctor takes a cursory glance, the fellow in near panic mode, and the Doc says,
"You like Porn?"
"Well, uh, yeah. Nothing wrong with that is there..........."
"No, not necessarily. " Says doc. "Now, do you like Cheetos?"
I hate to look like I shouldn't be graduating but I really don't get this one. I'm missing something. Anyone care to explain please?
Quote from Yannis:
Graduation Day
At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tomâs entire senior class screams âLet Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!â
The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. âIf I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?â he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: âten.â
The principal looks confused. And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. âGive Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!â