Jokes 2

I wish I could do as BP does and just stand around and watch my problems get worse. But no, I have to work,work,work.

BREAKING NEWS: BP Tries Adding Balsamic Vinegar to Oil.
 
A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen. One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods. They set up their tent and, after dinner, they go to sleep.

The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son, "What are you doing, son?"
After a short silence he answers, "I'm wanking, father."
"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.

Another minute of awkward silence passes.

"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.

To which his father replies, "You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."
 
Hillary Clinton, while on a diplomatic mission, goes to a sausage factory and sees cows going in from one side of the machine and sausages coming from the other side. She asks the manager if there is a machine that if you put a sausage in, will make cows?

The manager says "sorry mrs Clinton. Only your mother has done that."
 
Gawd this thread is going downhill like an Olympic Ski Champ, and I'm sitting here w/ tears from laughing so hard. I'm hoping that I'm just overtired, and that, with a bit of rest, I'll read these again and find them repulsive and "unfunny".

I doubt that. I'm just hoping.
 
JFC!

Woman striving to be world's heaviest

OLD BRIDGE, New Jersey (Reuters) – A New Jersey woman is waging a campaign to become the world's heaviest living woman, admitting that she is as hungry for attention as she is for calorie-rich food.

Donna Simpson, 42, weighs more than 600 pounds (272 kg) and aims to reach 1,000 pounds (455 kg).
More...

But here's the money quote:

The mother of two children, ages 3 and 14, models on a website called supersizedbombshells.com, where admirers and the curious can pay to watch videos of her eating greasy foods or walking to the car.
More...

Got $19.95? You can tune in and watch "Dumptruck" Donna stagger to the car leaving a trail of donuts behind her. For an extra $5 you get a Rictor scale reading. :D :D :D

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100609/od_nm/us_heaviest_odd
 
Quote from flytiger:

Gawd this thread is going downhill like an Olympic Ski Champ, and I'm sitting here w/ tears from laughing so hard. I'm hoping that I'm just overtired, and that, with a bit of rest, I'll read these again and find them repulsive and "unfunny". I doubt that. I'm just hoping.
More...
I think what you need is a little music in your life, that's all:

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

:) :) :)
 
This man had a cage in his bathroom with his pet parrot in it.
One day he was shaving and the parrot said, "You're going to cut
yourself!" The man said, "No I'm not."

He kept on shaving. A few minutes later the parrot said, "You're
going to cut yourself," The man said, "No, I'm not! So shut up
and if you say that again I'm going to throw you across the
room."

He continued to shave. After a little while parrot said once
again, "You're going to cut yourself!" So the man reached over
and threw the parrot across the room and landed in the toilet.

A little bit later the man's wife went to use the bathroom. When
she sat down on the toilet, the parrot exclaimed, "Oh what a big nasty smelling
cut you have!"
 
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