Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Many city, state, and Federal government agencies have been frustrated by the very poor results obtained from existing drug and alcohol treatment programs, in spite of the large amounts of money spent trying to solve these social problems.
But the Bureau of Abstract Statistics reports a major discovery, finding that when survey questionnaires about continued drug and alcohol use are handed out and collected by parole officers, judges, or other officers of the court, the success rate of the drug and alcohol treatment programs suddenly jumps to 100%. Nobody reports any problems with relapses or continued use at all.
The Bureau suggests that this effect can be used as an "after-burner" to enhance the success rate of existing treatment programs. N. Stunata, a senior statistician with the Bureau, says, "It is obvious that we can save the taxpayers millions of dollars, just by using parole officers and judges to calculate the success rates of treatment programs. This is truly a great day in the war on drugs."
But the Bureau of Abstract Statistics reports a major discovery, finding that when survey questionnaires about continued drug and alcohol use are handed out and collected by parole officers, judges, or other officers of the court, the success rate of the drug and alcohol treatment programs suddenly jumps to 100%. Nobody reports any problems with relapses or continued use at all.
The Bureau suggests that this effect can be used as an "after-burner" to enhance the success rate of existing treatment programs. N. Stunata, a senior statistician with the Bureau, says, "It is obvious that we can save the taxpayers millions of dollars, just by using parole officers and judges to calculate the success rates of treatment programs. This is truly a great day in the war on drugs."
My computer crashed the other day, so I took it to the The "Computer Guy ". He looked it over, and then told me, "I can fix it, but only if you believe in electronics."
I said that I didn't understand what he meant.
He said that it was necessary for me to believe in electronics, and to believe that the fix would work, in order for it to work.
I told him, "Well, yeh, I guess I believe it will work, if you fix it right."
He said, "No, no, no! That isn't good enough. You have to really believe that it will work." He fixed me with a steely glare and got right in my face. "You must totally believe in electronics. You must rid yourself of all doubts. You must abandon logic and Reason and human intelligence. You must have faith, and completely give yourself to this simple repair program. Grit your teeth together harder, to make yourself more religious, and say, 'I really, really, *really* believe in electronics.'"
That guy was nuts.
I said that I didn't understand what he meant.
He said that it was necessary for me to believe in electronics, and to believe that the fix would work, in order for it to work.
I told him, "Well, yeh, I guess I believe it will work, if you fix it right."
He said, "No, no, no! That isn't good enough. You have to really believe that it will work." He fixed me with a steely glare and got right in my face. "You must totally believe in electronics. You must rid yourself of all doubts. You must abandon logic and Reason and human intelligence. You must have faith, and completely give yourself to this simple repair program. Grit your teeth together harder, to make yourself more religious, and say, 'I really, really, *really* believe in electronics.'"
That guy was nuts.
Dear Mr. Bernanke,
I need a bailout. I invested all of my cash funds in some risky high-profit financial instruments â lottery tickets â and things didn't go my way. So now I find myself a little short of liquidity, and in a credit crunch, and need a bailout.
Now I realize that I'm going to have to take a financial hit for my greedy, risky asset management. I know that I won't get more than ten cents on the dollar for my worthless paper. Well, those lottery tickets were worth $60 million before the market turned against me, so I guess I'll have to settle for a mere $6 million bailout now. Oh, and you can have all of my worthless lottery tickets in return.
Please send the check asap.
Thank you.
I need a bailout. I invested all of my cash funds in some risky high-profit financial instruments â lottery tickets â and things didn't go my way. So now I find myself a little short of liquidity, and in a credit crunch, and need a bailout.
Now I realize that I'm going to have to take a financial hit for my greedy, risky asset management. I know that I won't get more than ten cents on the dollar for my worthless paper. Well, those lottery tickets were worth $60 million before the market turned against me, so I guess I'll have to settle for a mere $6 million bailout now. Oh, and you can have all of my worthless lottery tickets in return.
Please send the check asap.
Thank you.