Jokes 2

The secret to long life...

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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,

sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."


"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"


"Forty-four," she replied
 
A Jewish man buys a Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty, so he goes to the
Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue
in his town and asks for a Mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.

It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car.."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts.
"You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"

Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and
finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi
and asks for a Mezuzah.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car." "What? That is blasphemy!" the
Rabbi shouts.
"You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform!"
Again the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he
breaks down and goes to the Reform
Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a Mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course, it's a fantastic Italian sports car.
What's a Mezuzah?"
 
Quote from Esq Esq Esq:

A Jewish man buys a Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty, so he goes to the
Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue
in his town and asks for a Mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.

It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car.."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts.
"You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"

Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and
finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi
and asks for a Mezuzah.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car." "What? That is blasphemy!" the
Rabbi shouts.
"You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform!"
Again the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he
breaks down and goes to the Reform
Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a Mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course, it's a fantastic Italian sports car.
What's a Mezuzah?"
More...
LOL! That's a good one :)
 
I was watching TV with my girlfriend, when she turned to me and said, "I think you need you to re-connect with your father before he dies. All your feeling of inadequacy stem from his undermining your childhood achievements; and I fear that if you do not rectify this whilst he is still alive, it may go on to burden you for the rest of your life."

Which got me thinking, Becky Quick is pretty hot.
 
Quote from nutmeg:

I was watching TV with my girlfriend, when she turned to me and said, "I think you need you to re-connect with your father before he dies. All your feeling of inadequacy stem from his undermining your childhood achievements; and I fear that if you do not rectify this whilst he is still alive, it may go on to burden you for the rest of your life."

Which got me thinking, Becky Quick is pretty hot.
More...

You girlfriend says, "whilst"???
 
My wife went absolutely beserk when I shot my load all over her new hair-do.

Whilst everyone else in the restaraunt just sat there quietly.
 
My wife asked me if I'd thought about growing a mooustache. I said I didn't want the kids to be to confused.

"Oh they'll get used to it" she said.

"With you" I replied.
 
I usually don't tell people what I gave up for lent but today was the exception. I dropped a piece of paper on the floor and my wife said, "hey you dropped a piece of paper on the floor ---PICK IT UP". I said "I can't, I gave up bending over for lent" On the flip side, I was hoping for some divine intervention on my stock picks with this sacrifice. :eek: (get it, bend over = bad picks)
 
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