Jokes 2

Another Good Cocktail

President Obama was given a tour of the latest Boeing super jet, and the shapely guide was taking the opportunity to add some material to the new technology and new business stuff, and talk about other changes as well:

"You know, Mr President, this is the first jet built specifically for a female crew. Of course you are aware of the fact that traditionally big planes are piloted by men, while most attendants are women. No more. Here the crew is intended to be all fenale, including the pilot, co-pilot and chief engineer."

"That's very interesting, and, of course, my administration is very pro-affirmative action. At any rate, can you please show me to the cockpit?"

"Certainly, Mr President, but," she lowered her voice, "we DON"T call it THAT any more!!!"

:) :) :)
 
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Quote from Yannis:

Another Good Cocktail

President Obama was given a tour of the latest Boeing super jet, and the shapely guide was taking the opportunity to add some material to the new technology and new business stuff, and talk about other changes as well:

"You know, Mr President, this is the first jet built specifically for a female crew. Of course you are aware of the fact that traditionally big planes are piloted by men, while most attendants are women. No more. Here the crew is intended to be all fenale, including the pilot, co-pilot and chief engineer."

"That's very interesting, and, of course, my administration is very pro-affirmative action. At any rate, can you please show me to the cockpit?"

"Certainly, Mr President, but," she lowered her voice, "we DON"T call it THAT any more!!!"

:) :) :)
More...

Would it now be the pussy-pit ??
 
Last week was his birthday
and Bill didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

He went downstairs for breakfast
hoping his wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for him.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

He thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

His kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when he left for the office,
he felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As he walked into the oval office,
his secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

He worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday and all,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
Bill said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

They went to lunch.
But they didn't go
where they normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
They had two martinis each
and Bill enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

He responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to him and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' He nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by his wife,
his kids,
and dozens of his friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And Bill just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.
 
This Looks Hilarious

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:) :) :)
 
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come
to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They
type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for
several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the
competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show
what he has come up with.
Satin is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing, I lost
it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared
any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in
vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth
from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost
everything yet Jesus' program is Intact! How did he do it?"
God Chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus Saves."
 
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, WE did look. But your client didn’t."
 
My grandfather use to race pigeons, I was the squab captain (he left me in charge of feeding and cleaning). I'd sell one to my friends and he'd fly back home and then I'd sell him again to someone else (yuk yuk). He was a money maker.
 
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Wisconsin. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the office said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
A man called home and when the maid answered the phone, he asked to speak with his wife. "Oh sir," the maid said, "she is in her bedroom with a boyfriend!" Obviously angry, the man told the maid to go to his study and get the gun from the desk and shoot his wife and the boy friend. The man heard the maid get the gun and walk up the stairs, then "Bang, bang!" She returned and said, "What do you want me to do now?" The man said, "Make it look like a burglary and throw the gun in the swimming pool." The maid said, "But sir, we don't have a swimming pool!" The man said, "is this 934-7767?"
 
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