Jokes 2

Tough Guy

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in that inner city school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the huge desk stapler, opened it up and hit himself hard with the loaded end, thereby stapling the tie to his chest.

Needless to say, he had no trouble with discipline that term...

:) :) :)
 
Tough guy reminds me of Mongo.

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Bad, bad Leroy

Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper
tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to
write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your friend,
Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he
was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it
another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore
it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy
this year, and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy

Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what
his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was
deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in
the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents.
For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt
down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out
the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:


Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike.
From,
You know who.
 
A community organizer buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Chicago to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The community organizer says:
“I want my $20 million.”
The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The community organizer said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The community organizer, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
 
You pikers. I have the funniest video ever! You will cry with despair because you will never again know anything funnier ever. Cry with despair once you've recovered from laughing yourself into true agony that is. Shut the doors and windows, and make sure nobody else is around lest they send you to the loony bin. Don't have anything fragile nearby. Take a deep breathe and:

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Quote from TGregg:

You pikers. I have the funniest video ever! You will cry with despair because you will never again know anything funnier ever. Cry with despair once you've recovered from laughing yourself into true agony that is. Shut the doors and windows, and make sure nobody else is around lest they send you to the loony bin. Don't have anything fragile nearby. Take a deep breathe and:

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More...

ROFL!!! I wish I were alive as that rock!!
 
Quote from TGregg:

You pikers. I have the funniest video ever! You will cry with despair because you will never again know anything funnier ever. Cry with despair once you've recovered from laughing yourself into true agony that is. Shut the doors and windows, and make sure nobody else is around lest they send you to the loony bin. Don't have anything fragile nearby. Take a deep breathe and:

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More...

I've been that drunk a couple of times. It just never crossed my mind to mourn plants. This is very original.

Right after this, they probably fragged an abortion Doctor.
 
How Hell Works

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:) :) :)
 
What’s the worst thing about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

If you add up all the letters in “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” you get the number 27, which is an odd number. Odd numbers are bad. If you add up the numbers 2 and 7 in 27, you get the number 9, which is the worst odd number of them all. If you divide the number 27 by 2 you don’t even get a whole number, which simply won’t do, and if you divide the number 27 by 3 instead, you end up with the number 9 again, which is almost as bad, if not worse...
 
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