Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
The bronze rat
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
So I was talking to my good bud Larry on the phone the other day. Larry is admittedly as redneck as they come and a die hard Nascar fan.
Out of nowhere Larry says, "Hey I just heard one of the best suggestions I've ever heard!"
"Oh", I said, "what was that?"
He says, "Congress should be required to wear fire suits just like the Nascar drivers do."
After a bit of a puzzled pause on my part I said, "Why the heck is that Larry?"
He said, "Well that way we could tell who their corporate sponsors are!"
Out of nowhere Larry says, "Hey I just heard one of the best suggestions I've ever heard!"
"Oh", I said, "what was that?"
He says, "Congress should be required to wear fire suits just like the Nascar drivers do."
After a bit of a puzzled pause on my part I said, "Why the heck is that Larry?"
He said, "Well that way we could tell who their corporate sponsors are!"
J'aime Les Francais - Un!
Q: Did you know the toothbrush was invented by the French?
A: Well, if it had been invented by anyone else it would have been called the Teethbrush.
Q: Why don't the French Barbeque?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.
Q: What's the difference between France and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.
Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese.
"A Frenchmen's home is where another man's wife is." - Mark Twain -1878-79 Journal
"There is nothing lower than the human race...except for the French." - Mark Twain 1878-79
"French history: They turn on their friends and surrender to their enemies!"
I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.
Q. How do you stop a French tank?
A. Say "boo"
Hey ! Do you know what's the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpansee ? - One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpansee.
Why do the french get more votes in the U.N. They vote with both hands
Q. What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods.
The Surgeon General got a new law passed: all cigarette boxes must have a picture of a French guy on it.
Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true
What is the french peoples favorite movie? the running man
During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops. The Germans then lit them and threw them back.
Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!
Q. Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France
A. Because they don't smell like crap.
When is it white laundry day in France? Never, any white laundry in france is already hung up on a stick being waved
Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him
Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France
A.They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits
What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" Hannibal Lechter
Q. Why do french people always wear yellow?
A. To match the color of their blood!
Why do the French never perform the wave� at a soccer game? Because, that's a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A. One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!
Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude
Why does the French Navy suck? Because cardboard doesn't float!
Q. Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A. Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!
Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible.
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A salesman
What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.
As read this on the back of a public restroom door. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.
Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.
Q. Why do the French Smell?
A. So blind people can spot them too!
Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A. Because it doesn't really exist.
Q. Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A. They're too hard to peel.
Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian.
How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.
Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: Did you know the toothbrush was invented by the French?
A: Well, if it had been invented by anyone else it would have been called the Teethbrush.
Q: Why don't the French Barbeque?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.
Q: What's the difference between France and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.
Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese.
"A Frenchmen's home is where another man's wife is." - Mark Twain -1878-79 Journal
"There is nothing lower than the human race...except for the French." - Mark Twain 1878-79
"French history: They turn on their friends and surrender to their enemies!"
I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.
Q. How do you stop a French tank?
A. Say "boo"
Hey ! Do you know what's the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpansee ? - One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpansee.
Why do the french get more votes in the U.N. They vote with both hands
Q. What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods.
The Surgeon General got a new law passed: all cigarette boxes must have a picture of a French guy on it.
Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true
What is the french peoples favorite movie? the running man
During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops. The Germans then lit them and threw them back.
Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!
Q. Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France
A. Because they don't smell like crap.
When is it white laundry day in France? Never, any white laundry in france is already hung up on a stick being waved
Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him
Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France
A.They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits
What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" Hannibal Lechter
Q. Why do french people always wear yellow?
A. To match the color of their blood!
Why do the French never perform the wave� at a soccer game? Because, that's a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A. One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!
Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude
Why does the French Navy suck? Because cardboard doesn't float!
Q. Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A. Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!
Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible.
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A salesman
What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.
As read this on the back of a public restroom door. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.
Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.
Q. Why do the French Smell?
A. So blind people can spot them too!
Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A. Because it doesn't really exist.
Q. Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A. They're too hard to peel.
Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian.
How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.
Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.