Jokes 2

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want
and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.
------------------------------------------

I thought for sure the anwser was going to be, he turned into a marshmellow peep. (I try to guess the end of the joke before I finish reading it).

Women like marshmellow peeps and can be used as a substitute for a tampon. But then, somehow the moral of the story gets lost regarding the string attached (unless they were marshmellow peep candles, then the wick could be string) but we would still need a new moral.
 
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne. After
> almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide
> to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
> plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
>
> When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
> $450.00.
>
> The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
> clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
> $450.00.
>
> When the clerk tells him that $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
> on speaking to the manager.
>
> The manager appears, listens to the man and explains that the hotel has an
> Olympic sized swimming pool and a huge Conference Centre that were available
> for the husband and wife to use.
>
> "But we didn't use them, the man complains."
>
> "Well, they were here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes
> on to explain they could have taken In one of the shows for which the hotel
> is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas
> perform here," says the manager.
>
> "But we didn't go to any of those shows", complains the man again.
>
> "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies.
>
> No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't
> use it!"
>
> The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man agrees to pay. He writes a
> check and gives it to the manager.
>
> The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
>
> "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
>
> "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my
> wife."
>
> "But I didn't" exclaims the manager.
>
> "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!'"
 
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures.
No matter where I go for work, I always end up working next to a asshole.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
 
lester.jpg
 
Sports wisdom:

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet
was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!
 
So, the first cases of confirmed Swine Flu in the UK have been recorded in Scotland.

No bad thing - at least Susan Boyle might start wearing a mask.
 
The Economy Is So Bad...

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Women are marrying for love.
- Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
- HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
- People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
= Motel Six won't leave the light on.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally......
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $900 billion disappear.

:) :) :)
 
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