Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: 'Once my people were many, Now we are few.' The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his stetson says, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.'
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: 'Once my people were many, Now we are few.' The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his stetson says, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.'
The Cost Of An Education
On the first day of this rather conservative college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $30. A third time will cost you a fine of $40, etc. Are there any questions?"
There's great commotion in the room... and the students in unison yell back, "How much for a season pass?!!!"
On the first day of this rather conservative college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $30. A third time will cost you a fine of $40, etc. Are there any questions?"
There's great commotion in the room... and the students in unison yell back, "How much for a season pass?!!!"
A conservative walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming âAll Socialists are sh*theads".
A man sitting in the corner shouts, âI take serious offense to that ! It's a bl**dy lie !â
The conservative guy asks, âWhy? Are you a Socialist?â
He replies proudly, âNo. I'm a sh*thead.â
A man sitting in the corner shouts, âI take serious offense to that ! It's a bl**dy lie !â
The conservative guy asks, âWhy? Are you a Socialist?â
He replies proudly, âNo. I'm a sh*thead.â
Found This On The Web: How To Write A Joke
1. Consider your audience. A joke that fills the room with laughter at a hardware convention might not get the same reaction at a meeting of doctors.
2. When in doubt, keep it clean. Sure, plenty of people enjoy an âoff-colorâ wisecrack, but unless youâre sure why take the risk of unnecessarily offending someone?
3. Try to keep it short and sweet when possibleâa few sentences or so is ideal. No joke is guaranteed to receive big laughs, but thereâs nothing worse than a looooong joke with no payoff.
4. Include something unexpected or contextually inappropriate, usually the heart of the jokeâs finale, or âpunch line.â A good example of this is Rodney Dangerfieldâs old classic, âMy wife just signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off Tuesday.â
5. Donât be afraid to take a chance with a joke. The worst thing you can do is bomb, but the plus-side is the chance to make someoneâs day with a good laugh.
6. Dead-pan humor, a la the great Steven Wright, is big these days. The key here is following up a normal statement with something completely out of left-field, such as, âI recently installed a skylight in my living room. The upstairs neighbors are furious.â
7. Timing is everything with comedy, even with written humor. You need to build up to the punch line enough that it packs a wallop, but not for so long that you lose your audience.
1. Consider your audience. A joke that fills the room with laughter at a hardware convention might not get the same reaction at a meeting of doctors.
2. When in doubt, keep it clean. Sure, plenty of people enjoy an âoff-colorâ wisecrack, but unless youâre sure why take the risk of unnecessarily offending someone?
3. Try to keep it short and sweet when possibleâa few sentences or so is ideal. No joke is guaranteed to receive big laughs, but thereâs nothing worse than a looooong joke with no payoff.
4. Include something unexpected or contextually inappropriate, usually the heart of the jokeâs finale, or âpunch line.â A good example of this is Rodney Dangerfieldâs old classic, âMy wife just signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off Tuesday.â
5. Donât be afraid to take a chance with a joke. The worst thing you can do is bomb, but the plus-side is the chance to make someoneâs day with a good laugh.
6. Dead-pan humor, a la the great Steven Wright, is big these days. The key here is following up a normal statement with something completely out of left-field, such as, âI recently installed a skylight in my living room. The upstairs neighbors are furious.â
7. Timing is everything with comedy, even with written humor. You need to build up to the punch line enough that it packs a wallop, but not for so long that you lose your audience.
More Punny Funs
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
* I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.
* Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
* Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
* I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
* Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
* How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
* Math teachers have lots of problems.
* The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
* When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
* He was arrested for throwing bombs from a boat, but they dropped the charges.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
* They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.
* Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
* Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
* Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
* Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
* When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion
* I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
* It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
* Could another name for a tire factory be a tread mill?
* Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
* There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
* I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey and Swiss. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite... too much Greece!'.
* Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.
* Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. But, he ate well: dates and sundays.
* Russia was slow to recover after WW2 because it kept Stalin around.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
* I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.
* Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
* Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
* I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
* Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
* How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
* Math teachers have lots of problems.
* The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
* When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
* He was arrested for throwing bombs from a boat, but they dropped the charges.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
* They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.
* Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
* Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
* Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
* Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
* When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion
* I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
* It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
* Could another name for a tire factory be a tread mill?
* Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
* There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
* I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey and Swiss. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite... too much Greece!'.
* Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.
* Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. But, he ate well: dates and sundays.
* Russia was slow to recover after WW2 because it kept Stalin around.
Contemporary Iraqi Banking
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I'm not doing it! I want my money NOW!!!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American bank manager comes with a 10 lbs hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk asks the Iraqi , "Tell me why didn't you sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You just told me what to do, but the American explained it!"
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I'm not doing it! I want my money NOW!!!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American bank manager comes with a 10 lbs hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk asks the Iraqi , "Tell me why didn't you sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You just told me what to do, but the American explained it!"