Jokes 2

Einstein's theory of relativity was discovered when he put his hand on a hot stove for a second and it felt like an hour, then he put his hands on a hot young chick for an hour and it only felt like a second.
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I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: ‘Getting ready for Christmas?’ He said: ‘No, teaching the wife how to drive.’ -Bob Hope
 
Amy Winehouse snowman


imageswinehouse-20snowman.jpg
 
<a href="http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=44561023">Dads Scary Gas</a><br/><object width="425px" height="360px" ><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"/><param name="movie" value="http://mediaservices.myspace.com/services/media/embed.aspx/m=44561023,t=1,mt=video"/><embed src="http://mediaservices.myspace.com/services/media/embed.aspx/m=44561023,t=1,mt=video" width="425" height="360" allowFullScreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take
it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my
boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He
removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my
skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
Explanation of Microsoft Computer Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting errorno. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 4GB of RAM, I want to use the bit above your total."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

:) :) :)
 
Quote from Lucrum:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take
it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my
boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He
removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my
skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
More...


Earlier this morning I used my half empty cup of coffee from yesterday for an ashtray. I read this joke, laughed and picked up that cup and took a sip.
 
Quote from nutmeg:

Earlier this morning I used my half empty cup of coffee from yesterday for an ashtray. I read this joke, laughed and picked up that cup and took a sip.
More...
Oh well. It would have been worse if the cup had been half full instead! :D
 
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