Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Speaking of tits in a wringer
How about "Tits Magee?"
A fat mess who loves halo and pokemon and ET, a kid who fights with chimp munks and has rocky mountain tities and never a losing trade, a small piggie nose and a hang over but not from drinking alcohol.
"Yo, you fuckin tits magee!"
How about "Tits Magee?"
A fat mess who loves halo and pokemon and ET, a kid who fights with chimp munks and has rocky mountain tities and never a losing trade, a small piggie nose and a hang over but not from drinking alcohol.
"Yo, you fuckin tits magee!"
Like I said, I went and saw mom and we reminisced. She told me this happen when I was little.
I was in church with mom for Sunday Mass when I felt a sudden barf attack impending.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
Mom told me, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So I hauled ass for the door. I was back in my seat less than a minute later.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Nutmeg?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
I was in church with mom for Sunday Mass when I felt a sudden barf attack impending.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
Mom told me, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So I hauled ass for the door. I was back in my seat less than a minute later.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Nutmeg?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
You might be an economist if...
...you refuse to sell your children because you think they'll be worth more later.
...you've ever gone to a bank or other financial institution in the hopes of getting a date.
...you're an expert on money but you dress like a flood victim.
...you assume we have a can opener.
...you think that "supply and demand" is a good answer to the question, "Where do babies come from?"
...you plan to have your children born in December instead of January in order to maximize the discounted present value of the child tax credit.
...you think the best evidence of global warming is not that every year the snows melt earlier or that every year the flowers bloom earlier but that every year the Christmas shopping season starts earlier.
...taxes piss you off because they're so inefficient.
...you read your fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and put "at the margin" at the end of it.
...any of the following phrases has ever come to mind in a romantic situation: "joint utility maximization", "not tonight, honey, I have an externality", "diminishing marginal product of labor".
...you've spent your whole career at a university or other public sector job talking about how great the private sector is.
...you can't give blood because your veins are full of motor oil and little bits of endangered species.
...you've ever written a romance novel that included the following paragraph: "I put my left hand on her shoulder. I put my right hand on the small of her back. I put my invisible hand on her thigh."
... you never tip the waitress more than 6.45% because you have a precise understanding of just how our economy can suffer a burst of inflation is she went out to buy new shoes.
...you think trust is so bad that you're anti-trust.
...you have tried to convince your friends that "getting your money's worth" doesn't apply at all-you-can-eat buffets because it is a sunk cost.
...you have told your husband not to tailgate the slow old lady on the freeway because then he is making an interpersonal utility comparison.
...you go to the hospital at 12:15 a.m. and your son is born at 12:57 a.m. so you don't have to pay for a day of labor.
...you're opposed to the death penalty because it's too expensive.
...someone tells you that economics is like a foreign language to them and you respond by speaking slower and raising your voice.
...you refuse to sell your children because you think they'll be worth more later.
...you've ever gone to a bank or other financial institution in the hopes of getting a date.
...you're an expert on money but you dress like a flood victim.
...you assume we have a can opener.
...you think that "supply and demand" is a good answer to the question, "Where do babies come from?"
...you plan to have your children born in December instead of January in order to maximize the discounted present value of the child tax credit.
...you think the best evidence of global warming is not that every year the snows melt earlier or that every year the flowers bloom earlier but that every year the Christmas shopping season starts earlier.
...taxes piss you off because they're so inefficient.
...you read your fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant and put "at the margin" at the end of it.
...any of the following phrases has ever come to mind in a romantic situation: "joint utility maximization", "not tonight, honey, I have an externality", "diminishing marginal product of labor".
...you've spent your whole career at a university or other public sector job talking about how great the private sector is.
...you can't give blood because your veins are full of motor oil and little bits of endangered species.
...you've ever written a romance novel that included the following paragraph: "I put my left hand on her shoulder. I put my right hand on the small of her back. I put my invisible hand on her thigh."
... you never tip the waitress more than 6.45% because you have a precise understanding of just how our economy can suffer a burst of inflation is she went out to buy new shoes.
...you think trust is so bad that you're anti-trust.
...you have tried to convince your friends that "getting your money's worth" doesn't apply at all-you-can-eat buffets because it is a sunk cost.
...you have told your husband not to tailgate the slow old lady on the freeway because then he is making an interpersonal utility comparison.
...you go to the hospital at 12:15 a.m. and your son is born at 12:57 a.m. so you don't have to pay for a day of labor.
...you're opposed to the death penalty because it's too expensive.
...someone tells you that economics is like a foreign language to them and you respond by speaking slower and raising your voice.
AP-(Brokeass, Idaho) Tuesday morning the lower groin area of ET poster Dr Stunata, a 42 year old tuna salesman and deacon of Bread of Life church filed a complaint with Little Rock Police.
The Groin's complaint alleges that it was attacked by Dr. Stunata's right hand following an incident at Flash Dancers Monday night.
The alleged attack took place later in the bed and bathroom of Stunata's east side residence late Monday night and continued into Tuesday morning according to police.
The Groin described the incident as escalating from "inappropriate touching" to three hours of outright sexual assault that resulted in numerous bruises, scratches and continued mental trauma.
Dr Stunata aware of the incident but unable to stop it describes the event as "profoundly unfortunate and embarrassing."
Police declined to comment on the ongoing investigation only saying that they are interviewing local adult performers Destiny, Candy,, Angel, Cherry, Raven, Anastasia, Roxy, Houston, Porsche and Crystal who may have had prior knowledge of the attack.
The Groin's complaint alleges that it was attacked by Dr. Stunata's right hand following an incident at Flash Dancers Monday night.
The alleged attack took place later in the bed and bathroom of Stunata's east side residence late Monday night and continued into Tuesday morning according to police.
The Groin described the incident as escalating from "inappropriate touching" to three hours of outright sexual assault that resulted in numerous bruises, scratches and continued mental trauma.
Dr Stunata aware of the incident but unable to stop it describes the event as "profoundly unfortunate and embarrassing."
Police declined to comment on the ongoing investigation only saying that they are interviewing local adult performers Destiny, Candy,, Angel, Cherry, Raven, Anastasia, Roxy, Houston, Porsche and Crystal who may have had prior knowledge of the attack.
Who Wants More Funny Puns?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
To some, marriage is a word ... to others, a sentence.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
To some, marriage is a word ... to others, a sentence.
Bus For Alaska
Fay Goldstein was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Fay Goldstein was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"