Jokes 2

The Three MeatLovers

Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others. The first man ordered his steak "rare -- red rare."

The second said, "Just pass mine through the flames once and singe it a little bit. I want to see blood dripping out of it."

Not to be outdone, the third man said, "Aw, just turn the bull loose and I'll tear off a hunk as he goes by!"

:) :) :)
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
 
Another Good Oldie

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."

:) :) :)
 
Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a c liff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al. 'That's what we would call a great loss.' The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
 
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The O Race

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race.

A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, this particular ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.

Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

:) :) :)
 
Umm yup, I went to a lawyer and he tried to sell me some Amway during the intial consultation. He later told me his last good case was Budweiser.
 
OT, but does anyone remember old time washing machines? The 'wringer', which basically four feet from the floor, was two wooden dowels that you cranked. They turned in opposite directions and wrung out the clothes so you could hang them on the line. Fun in the winter. I remember my Grandmother do that. Obviously, they were chest high to Mama.

The saying, which still comes to mind, when something goes wrong is, "......got your tits in a wringer."

Now why would I sit here 8:30 am, and think of that? Too many Nutmeg jokes.
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."The jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Mo nday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
 
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