Jokes 2

I'm sorry Nutmeg but just because you have a lot of gas doesn't make you an expert.

and btw people wave their arms when intentionally sharing, not accumulating...


Quote from nutmeg:

In a recent case, BP settled a suit that alleged the company tried to corner the propane market to inflate prices in 2003 and 2004.
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I could understand silver but propane? Isn't that a gas? Must be hard trying to wave your arms trying to get a bunch of gas to stay in a corner. Not like you can stack it or anything.
More...
 
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO SHIT.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
 
Quote from howellpar:

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

' NO SHIT.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
More...

Best I've heard in a long, long time. thanks.
 
Last night I watched Mabe in America on CMT for the first time. I have not laughed so hard since smoking pot in college, and still I don't remember laughing this hard.

One thing I recall was this:
Mabe calls an insurance company and says

"How much would it cost to get some life insurance on my wife?

Do you have a policy now?

"No."

How much coverage do you need?

"Well lets see, there's some car loans and some credit card debt and some other debt I need to pay off and it all comes to around $57,000."

Do you want term or whole life?

"I don't know what that means but I just need about $57,000, and another question please, lets say hypothetically she dies say...January 15th...How long would it take to get the check?"

Well we would need the death certificate and then it usually takes about three weeks.

"Well that's good because summer is coming up and we're going to want some new jet skis."




That's what I recall of it but it was a bit longer and funnier. If you enjoy good comedy you may want to check out Mabe in America on CMT. His name I believe is John Mabe. Very funny. No pot required!
 
Everytime I file an insurance claim they tell me it's a pre-existing condition.

For example.

I get a concussion. They said it's pre-existing.

I said, "How can that be, I just hit my head.?"

You're an idiot. And that's a pre-existing condition."
 
From a heartbroken National Public Radio:


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For Some Ohioans, Even Meat Is Out Of Reach
by Yuki Noguchi

All Things Considered, July 17, 2008 · A generation ago, the livelihood of Gloria Nunez’s family was built on cars.

Her father worked at General Motors for 45 years before retiring. Her mother taught driver’s education. Nunez and her six siblings grew up middle class.

Things have changed considerably for this Ohio family.

Nunez’s van broke down last fall. Now, her 19-year-old daughter has no reliable transportation out of their subsidized housing complex in Fostoria, 40 miles south of Toledo, to look for a job.

Nunez and most of her siblings and their spouses are unemployed and rely on government assistance and food stamps. Some have part-time jobs, but working is made more difficult with no car or public transportation…

‘I Just Can’t Get A Job’

Nunez, 40, has never worked and has no high school degree. She says a car accident 17 years ago left her depressed and disabled, incapable of getting a job. Instead, she and her daughter, Angelica Hernandez, survive on a $637 Social Security check and $102 in food stamps.

Hernandez received her high school diploma and has had several jobs in recent years. But now, because fewer restaurants and stores are hiring, she says she finds it hard to find a job. Even if she could, she says it’s particularly hard to imagine how she’ll keep it. She says she needs someone to give her a lift just to get to an interview. And with gas prices so high, she’s not sure she could afford to pay someone to drive her to work every day.

People tell Nunez her daughter could get more money in public assistance if she had a child.

“A lot of people have told me, ‘Why don’t your daughter have a kid?’”

They both reject that as a plan.

“I’m trying to get a job,” Hernandez says. “I just can’t get a job.” …

‘What’s Going To Happen To Us?’

Most of their extended family lives in the same townhouse complex…

The only one with a car is Irma Hernandez, Nunez’s mother…

She’s now two car payments behind.

“I’m about to lose my car,” she says on her way to pick up one of her daughters to take her to Toledo. “So then what’s going to happen to us?”

So Nunez and her daughter are mostly stuck at home.

The rising cost of food means their money gets them about a third fewer bags of groceries — $100 used to buy about 12 bags of groceries, but now it’s more like seven or eight. So they cut back on expensive items like meat, and they don’t buy extras like ice cream anymore. Instead, they eat a lot of starches like potatoes and noodles.

Gosh, this is horrible. It’s just like the famines in Ethiopia or Biafra.

Only different.


People tell Nunez her daughter could get more money in public assistance if she had a child.

“A lot of people have told me, ‘Why don’t your daughter have a kid?’”

They both reject that as a plan.
 
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