Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Dear Nut:
About two years ago, I underwent a sex-change surgery, from male to female. I am very happy now that I have all that behind me now, but I still have one problem. I am told that I walk, and sit too much like a man - and I'm very self-conscious about it.
I have been looking for help with this problem. I have even contacted several modeling and charm schools, hoping that they might be able to help me move in a more feminine manner. The problem I face is that no one will respond or follow up on my initial contacts. I'm sure this is an unusual request, but it is one that I take very seriously. I hope you might be able to send me in the right direction.
(this is real, btw). Have at it.
About two years ago, I underwent a sex-change surgery, from male to female. I am very happy now that I have all that behind me now, but I still have one problem. I am told that I walk, and sit too much like a man - and I'm very self-conscious about it.
I have been looking for help with this problem. I have even contacted several modeling and charm schools, hoping that they might be able to help me move in a more feminine manner. The problem I face is that no one will respond or follow up on my initial contacts. I'm sure this is an unusual request, but it is one that I take very seriously. I hope you might be able to send me in the right direction.
(this is real, btw). Have at it.
Technically it's not a joke, but it sure is funny.
"I've reluctantly discarded the notion of my continuing to manage the portfolio after my death - abandoning my hope to give new meaning to the term 'thinking outside the box'"
The 84-year old Warren Buffet announces in February's annual letter to Berkshire Hathaway shareholders that he has identified to the board four potential candidates who could take over from him.
"I've reluctantly discarded the notion of my continuing to manage the portfolio after my death - abandoning my hope to give new meaning to the term 'thinking outside the box'"
The 84-year old Warren Buffet announces in February's annual letter to Berkshire Hathaway shareholders that he has identified to the board four potential candidates who could take over from him.
Speaking of a sex change operation...
A person who had undergone a sex change from male to female, was being interviewed.
The reporter asked, "What was the hardest thing about changing from male to female? Was it having your breasts surgically enlarged?" The patient responded, "No, that was not that bad."
"Then was it having your male organs removed?," he asked. She said, "No, that was bad but not the worst thing."
The reporter asked again, "Well then what was the worst thing about changing from a male, to a female?"
The new woman replied, "The worst thing was having half my brain removed."
A person who had undergone a sex change from male to female, was being interviewed.
The reporter asked, "What was the hardest thing about changing from male to female? Was it having your breasts surgically enlarged?" The patient responded, "No, that was not that bad."
"Then was it having your male organs removed?," he asked. She said, "No, that was bad but not the worst thing."
The reporter asked again, "Well then what was the worst thing about changing from a male, to a female?"
The new woman replied, "The worst thing was having half my brain removed."
Some Recent Jay Leno Gems
"The way Hollywood people do recycling these days is to take fat out of their ass and inject it into their lips!"
"Two women in Seattle, WA reported to the police that a ghost visited them at night and had sex with them. Despite the gauzy, eerie texture of that apparition, the women were certain that he was a man, because... as soon as he was done... ... ... he disappeared!"
"And who among the presidential candidates is more like the Pope?
---> John McCain is the oldest, and, therefore, closer to God...
----> Yet, Barack Obama is the elitist - the most 'holier than thou' of the three...
-----> BUT, Hillary Clinton has been married to Bill all these years and therefore has had many more chances to forgive sin!"
"The way Hollywood people do recycling these days is to take fat out of their ass and inject it into their lips!"
"Two women in Seattle, WA reported to the police that a ghost visited them at night and had sex with them. Despite the gauzy, eerie texture of that apparition, the women were certain that he was a man, because... as soon as he was done... ... ... he disappeared!"
"And who among the presidential candidates is more like the Pope?
---> John McCain is the oldest, and, therefore, closer to God...
----> Yet, Barack Obama is the elitist - the most 'holier than thou' of the three...
-----> BUT, Hillary Clinton has been married to Bill all these years and therefore has had many more chances to forgive sin!"
Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered
> by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class
> assignment.
>
> The professor told his class one day: 'Today we will experiment with a new
> form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
> off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
>
> 'As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
> story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to
> me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
> to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first
> person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember
> to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
> coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and
> anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over
> when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'
>
> The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca
> and Gary.
>
> THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
> At first, Jennifer couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
> Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
> much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
> question.
>
> (second paragraph by Gary )
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
> neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Jennifer with whom he had
> spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he
> said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign
> of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
> flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
> jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
> cockpit.
>
> (Rebecca)
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
> had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel', Jennifer read in her newspaper
> one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
> out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
> and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
> her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why
> must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she pondered wistfully.
>
> ( Gary )
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
> miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its
> lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
> Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth
> a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
> destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
> Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
> pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Jennifer.
>
> (Rebecca)
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
> partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
>
> ( Gary )
> Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
> attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have
> chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what
> am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
> novels!'
>
> (Rebecca)
> Asshole.
>
> ( Gary )
> Bitch!
>
> (Rebecca)
> FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
>
> ( Gary )
> In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
>
> (TEACHER)
> A+ - I really liked this one
> by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class
> assignment.
>
> The professor told his class one day: 'Today we will experiment with a new
> form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
> off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
>
> 'As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
> story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to
> me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
> to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first
> person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember
> to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
> coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and
> anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over
> when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'
>
> The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca
> and Gary.
>
> THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
> At first, Jennifer couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
> Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
> much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
> question.
>
> (second paragraph by Gary )
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
> neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Jennifer with whom he had
> spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he
> said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign
> of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
> flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
> jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
> cockpit.
>
> (Rebecca)
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
> had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel', Jennifer read in her newspaper
> one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
> out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
> and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
> her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why
> must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she pondered wistfully.
>
> ( Gary )
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
> miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its
> lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
> Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth
> a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
> destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
> Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
> pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Jennifer.
>
> (Rebecca)
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
> partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
>
> ( Gary )
> Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
> attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have
> chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what
> am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
> novels!'
>
> (Rebecca)
> Asshole.
>
> ( Gary )
> Bitch!
>
> (Rebecca)
> FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
>
> ( Gary )
> In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
>
> (TEACHER)
> A+ - I really liked this one
Diet Questions Answered
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
------------------- ---------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
------------------- ---------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!