Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
We need a good dumb joke..... hold the applause......
There once was a dance held here, you know. Everybody was having a great time except for a couple of people standing along the walls...there was a woman with an enormous nose along one wall, very lonely and wishing someone would at least come talk to her. But she knew not many people would like to hang out with a woman with such a huge nose.
Then, lo and behold, a man with a wooden eye came up to her. He bowed and introduced himself and asked, "Would you like to dance?"
She was so excited! She said, "Would I? Would I?"
He fired right back at her, "Big nose! Big nose!" and stalked away.
There once was a dance held here, you know. Everybody was having a great time except for a couple of people standing along the walls...there was a woman with an enormous nose along one wall, very lonely and wishing someone would at least come talk to her. But she knew not many people would like to hang out with a woman with such a huge nose.
Then, lo and behold, a man with a wooden eye came up to her. He bowed and introduced himself and asked, "Would you like to dance?"
She was so excited! She said, "Would I? Would I?"
He fired right back at her, "Big nose! Big nose!" and stalked away.
Cheetoes reminded me..........
Guy goes to the Doctor. He's very upset. The doctor, sensing something terribly wrong, ushers our hero past all the other patients. "What's wrong, Pal." Sobbing, he points to his crotch.
"My winkie turning orange. Ya gotta help me , Doc."
So, the doc gets to examining Mr. Happy. "Say, do you like Porn? "
"What kind of question is that, Doc? I'm a sick man!!!!"
"answer my question."
"Yeah.......... I like porn."
"Do you like Cheetoes?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Do you like to eat Cheetoes while you watch porn?"
So, later, I see they are making Cheeotes in white. For real. This guy must have been a letter writer.
Guy goes to the Doctor. He's very upset. The doctor, sensing something terribly wrong, ushers our hero past all the other patients. "What's wrong, Pal." Sobbing, he points to his crotch.
"My winkie turning orange. Ya gotta help me , Doc."
So, the doc gets to examining Mr. Happy. "Say, do you like Porn? "
"What kind of question is that, Doc? I'm a sick man!!!!"
"answer my question."
"Yeah.......... I like porn."
"Do you like Cheetoes?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Do you like to eat Cheetoes while you watch porn?"
So, later, I see they are making Cheeotes in white. For real. This guy must have been a letter writer.
Church Humor
I think I could be a better Christian if I could see just one miracle--like maybe (Ted Koppel's) hair mussed up.
Teaching Sunday School is hard--especially when a 6-year-old says to you, "Okay, if Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Reeboks instead of those cheap-looking sandals?
And right in the middle of thanking God for moms and dads, a 4-year-old yells out, "My dad shot a moose!"
Some Christians never miss church--even when they don't go.
There are worse places to be than in church. And I've been in most of them.
You know the pastor needs to liven up his sermons when people show up early just to get a window seat.
I know I should be in church more instead of playing golf. But I actually do pray more on the golf course.
Every time I sing at church, attendance drops off. The pastor promised me two weeks' free tithe if I just lip sinc.
Want to start some real trouble? Start a rumor that last Sunday the pastor was wearing golf shoes.
I know I should be in church more instead of out playing golf -- but I actually do pray more on the golf course.
Baptists don't have beer bellies -- Baptists have potluck pouches.
I think I could be a better Christian if I could see just one miracle--like maybe (Ted Koppel's) hair mussed up.
Teaching Sunday School is hard--especially when a 6-year-old says to you, "Okay, if Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Reeboks instead of those cheap-looking sandals?
And right in the middle of thanking God for moms and dads, a 4-year-old yells out, "My dad shot a moose!"
Some Christians never miss church--even when they don't go.
There are worse places to be than in church. And I've been in most of them.
You know the pastor needs to liven up his sermons when people show up early just to get a window seat.
I know I should be in church more instead of playing golf. But I actually do pray more on the golf course.
Every time I sing at church, attendance drops off. The pastor promised me two weeks' free tithe if I just lip sinc.
Want to start some real trouble? Start a rumor that last Sunday the pastor was wearing golf shoes.
I know I should be in church more instead of out playing golf -- but I actually do pray more on the golf course.
Baptists don't have beer bellies -- Baptists have potluck pouches.
Business Humor
Contrary to popular belief, people don't pay much attention to those little name-tags you wear at conventions. I wrote "Saddam Hussein" on my last one, and only one young lady even noticed. She asked me if I ever played for UCLA?
A typical young female executive is trim, attractive, went to a good college, likes sports--and won't give me the time of day.
The best thing about splitting lunch bills with the company's younger guys is that, in some restaurants, they can eat free with an adult.
Today's dieting tip for CEOs: Don't think of dieting as taking off fat, think of it as downsizing.
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female, (e.g. "steady as she goes" or "she's listing to starboard" or she is a beautiful vessel". Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) got together and announced that computers should also be referred to as females. Their reasons for this are as follows:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language that they use to communicate with other computers in incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command, or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I am mad at you, then I am certainly not going to tell you.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a committment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However. another group of computer sicentists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were males. Their reasons follow:
1. They have lots of data, but they are clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve the problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. One power surge knocks them out for the whole night!
Contrary to popular belief, people don't pay much attention to those little name-tags you wear at conventions. I wrote "Saddam Hussein" on my last one, and only one young lady even noticed. She asked me if I ever played for UCLA?
A typical young female executive is trim, attractive, went to a good college, likes sports--and won't give me the time of day.
The best thing about splitting lunch bills with the company's younger guys is that, in some restaurants, they can eat free with an adult.
Today's dieting tip for CEOs: Don't think of dieting as taking off fat, think of it as downsizing.
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female, (e.g. "steady as she goes" or "she's listing to starboard" or she is a beautiful vessel". Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) got together and announced that computers should also be referred to as females. Their reasons for this are as follows:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language that they use to communicate with other computers in incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command, or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I am mad at you, then I am certainly not going to tell you.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a committment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However. another group of computer sicentists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were males. Their reasons follow:
1. They have lots of data, but they are clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve the problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. One power surge knocks them out for the whole night!
Political Humor
An ounce of truth is worth a ton of campaign promises, but it takes a ton of campaign promises to get an ounce of truth.
Some political candidates campaign on an intellectual level, and some campaign on an emotional level, but none of them are on the level.
Politics is a search for the truth: find it, then bury it before your opponent finds it.
Remember the words of Forrest Dump: A box of chocolates is like the U.S. Senate--full of nuts, soft inside, and sometimes hard to swallow.
An ounce of truth is worth a ton of campaign promises, but it takes a ton of campaign promises to get an ounce of truth.
Some political candidates campaign on an intellectual level, and some campaign on an emotional level, but none of them are on the level.
Politics is a search for the truth: find it, then bury it before your opponent finds it.
Remember the words of Forrest Dump: A box of chocolates is like the U.S. Senate--full of nuts, soft inside, and sometimes hard to swallow.
"Contrary to popular belief, people don't pay much attention to those little name-tags you wear at conventions."
I'll go you one better. I had to sign a friggin parental consent form for my daughter to buy a frog. This ticked me off to no end. The form said something to the effect, I would care and provide for the forg if she didn't. I asked for the manager. I used every arguement in the book, I told them I might be dead tomorrow, then what? What if my daughter leaves runs away tomorrow with the frog, what am I supposed to do if she forgets to bring frog food? I knew I was going to lose this one from the get go, so I just signed the form, Rudolph Reindeer. They never even checked.
I'll go you one better. I had to sign a friggin parental consent form for my daughter to buy a frog. This ticked me off to no end. The form said something to the effect, I would care and provide for the forg if she didn't. I asked for the manager. I used every arguement in the book, I told them I might be dead tomorrow, then what? What if my daughter leaves runs away tomorrow with the frog, what am I supposed to do if she forgets to bring frog food? I knew I was going to lose this one from the get go, so I just signed the form, Rudolph Reindeer. They never even checked.