Jokes 2

Quote from Optionspoet:

This is just bizarre...

HAYDEN, Idaho - A man who believed he bore the "mark of the beast" used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said.

"It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived," sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger said. "He put a tourniquet on his arm before, so he didn't bleed to death. That kind of mental illness is just sad."

The Book of Revelation in the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he will be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris."

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
More...

I hear GE has a new Microwave geared to these people. The buttons are "defrost" ""hotdogs" "popcorn" "severed hands" "beverages"..................

BTW, for you fucking wackos w/o Microwaves, it's 25 minutes a pound at 350 degrees.
 
Quote from Optionspoet:

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
More...

For those of you Matthewites looking for a loophole...you can simply use your left hand.
 
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Matthewites Boys.
Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Matthewites Boys, who?
What, how many Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Matthewites Boys do you know?
 
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
 
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Leroy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Leroy said, "Actually, we went to Bronx."
 
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
_______________________________

The white version is probably the law firm of Smith Smith Smith & Smith, never could get anyone on the phone. (sigh)
 
We know Leroy is a lying sack of shit that can't spell but he also has a cursing problem and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask Dr Stu Nata (a shrink refereed by Nutmeg) what to do. Dr Stu Nata says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Leroy what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit.”

Two days before Christmas, Leroys father axed Leroy what he wants for Christmas. “I want a god damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a muthasfuckin train going around the piecee of shit tree you and mom picked out. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Leroy wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile of shit under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog shit by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Leroy replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”
 
OK, Here Goes

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo, picked up the phone, dialed and screemed:

"You got me pregnant, stupid! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

:) :) :)
 
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