Jokes 2

Quote from Humpy:

Latest news from the Westside nursing home is that they are going to remove all the toilet seats.

Sister Mary the nurses spokeswoman is quoted as saying - We have stood for a lot of things but we are definately not standing for that !
More...

I'm sorry. I have to draw the line here. Don't you think the Catholics have suffered enough grief already??? Me neither.

So Father Bob is hearing confessions, when a tremendous calling besets him - he needs to take a dump. But the line for redemption is a long one, so, he has a brainstorm. He peers out of the booth, and sees Jose, the maintenance man. He urges Hose to come in and hear some confessions while the Padre relieves himself.

Jose is reticent: he knows nothing of hearing confessions. But Father is convincing, showing Jose the pennance list, prominently displayed on the wall. "swearing - two Hail Marys." "Adultery, add an Act of Contrition." and so on. Jose figures it's easy, he's in.

Pretty easy for a while. Easy sins, easy pennance. Until on e fellow comes in and admits a penchant for, well, a penchant for young boys. Jose is disgusted, but looks at the list, and is shocked to not see Pedophilia listed. In a panic, he excuses himself from the parishiner, closes the window, and looks from the curtain. He sees Charlie the Altar Boy and beckons him. "Charlie, what does Father Bob do for sex with young boys???"

Charlie says, "Well, today's Wednesday. It's Pizza and Coke."
 
Prolly should tell ya about me getting kicked out of the confessional booth.

It has been quite some years since I had been to confession. Eh, I'll try it. Went in and basically said "I pay my taxes, don't break no laws." The priest said, "I can't absolve you unless you have something to repent."

Wtf? Repent what? I haven't done anything wrong. I'm thinking here fast as I can, I gotta get outta here. I run through the list of sins I can remember, ten commandents, yada yada. "I got it" "I forgot to say grace before dinner"

Okay, good" replies the priest. "Surely there must be more"

"I tell bad jokes"

The priest for my penance told me to go and apologize to you guys.

"I can't do that father, they tell jokes that are far far worse"

One thing led to another and we got into an arguement.

Stay tuned.....
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up
his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You
know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull*&#@in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started
it."
 
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