Jokes 2

Good morning.....

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose.

"Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
 
After a delightful evening of dining and dancing with his date. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
 
Sensitivity training part one.


PREFERRED: I don't think you understand
OLD: Shove it up your ass

PREFERRED: I love a challenge
OLD: This job sucks

PREFERRED: I see
OLD: Blow me

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it
OLD: Another fucking meeting!!!!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem
OLD: I really don't give a shit

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive
OLD: He's a fucking prick

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing
 
Still Like This One

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

:) :) :)
 
Speaking Of A Miserable Life!

A man who was unfaithful, mean and never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear..."

:) :) :)
 
Quote from nutmeg:

Sensitivity training part one.

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand
OLD: Shove it up your ass

PREFERRED: I love a challenge
OLD: This job sucks

PREFERRED: I see
OLD: Blow me

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it
OLD: Another fucking meeting!!!!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem
OLD: I really don't give a shit

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive
OLD: He's a fucking prick

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing
More...

I love the old ways, :D
 
In honor of Traderpro winning 50g's in the NY Scratch me lotto:

Yiddish accent, please...........

Abe goes to Temple, down on his knees he laments.......

"Lord, I'm a good Jew, I observe the Sabbath. I have a big family, who all are observant and holy. We do good in the community we tithe, (on and on), but Lord, I want to win the Lottery. Why, with the winnings, I can take better care of my family, need y friends, neighbors, if you'd just let me ........."

After about an hour of this whining, the rafters in Temple shake to their very foundation, and a booming voice, audible only to out hero bellows, .........

"ABE!!!!!Meet me Halfway................ Buy a ticket!!!!"
 
Quote from flytiger:

In honor of Traderpro winning 50g's in the NY Scratch me lotto:

Yiddish accent, please...........

Abe goes to Temple, down on his knees he laments.......

"Lord, I'm a good Jew, I observe the Sabbath. I have a big family, who all are observant and holy. We do good in the community we tithe, (on and on), but Lord, I want to win the Lottery. Why, with the winnings, I can take better care of my family, need y friends, neighbors, if you'd just let me ........."

After about an hour of this whining, the rafters in Temple shake to their very foundation, and a booming voice, audible only to out hero bellows, .........

"ABE!!!!!Meet me Halfway................ Buy a ticket!!!!"
More...



lol
 
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