You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your
bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your
bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa
Quote from nutmeg:
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know what to do with.
- Santa
So much for the "let's let prisoners answer Santa's letters to the North Pole. That'll be a good use of their time, and save the PO money."
"Ayyyyyye, Joey. Tell me what your ole Lady looks like in the shower."
Mother: Who are you?!!
Wise Man #1 We are three wise men.
Mother What?
Wise Man #2 We are three wise men.
Mother Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in the morning?? That doesn't sound very wise to me!
Wise Man #3 We are astrologers.
Wise Man #1 We have come from the east.
Mother Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man #1 We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man #3 We must pay homage to him.
Mother Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting. Out!! Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers... Come on... Out!
Wise Man #1 No No, we must see him!
Mother Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on!
Wise Man #1 We were led by a star.
Mother Lead by a bottle more like! Go on...out!
Wise Man #1 But we must see him, we have brought presents.
Mother Out!!
Wise Man #1 Gold, frankincense, myrrh...
Mother Well, why didn't you say so? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. So you're astrologers are you? Well, what is he then?
Wise Man #2 Hmm?
Mother What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 Uh...Capricorn.
Mother Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 He is the son of God! Our messiah!
Wise Man #1 King of the Jews!
Mother So that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #2 No no no...that's just him!
Mother Ahhh, I was gonna say...otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Wise Man #1 By what name are you calling him?
Mother Uh...Brian.
Wise Men Together We worship you, oh Brian who art Lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
Mother You do a lot of this then?
Wise Man #2 What?
Mother This praising...?
Wise Man #2 No, no...
Mother Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, eh? And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense...but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? Good bye! Well, weren't they nice. Out of their bloody minds...
---Monty Python's Life of Brian
Wise Man #1 We are three wise men.
Mother What?
Wise Man #2 We are three wise men.
Mother Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in the morning?? That doesn't sound very wise to me!
Wise Man #3 We are astrologers.
Wise Man #1 We have come from the east.
Mother Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man #1 We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man #3 We must pay homage to him.
Mother Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting. Out!! Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers... Come on... Out!
Wise Man #1 No No, we must see him!
Mother Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on!
Wise Man #1 We were led by a star.
Mother Lead by a bottle more like! Go on...out!
Wise Man #1 But we must see him, we have brought presents.
Mother Out!!
Wise Man #1 Gold, frankincense, myrrh...
Mother Well, why didn't you say so? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. So you're astrologers are you? Well, what is he then?
Wise Man #2 Hmm?
Mother What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 Uh...Capricorn.
Mother Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 He is the son of God! Our messiah!
Wise Man #1 King of the Jews!
Mother So that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #2 No no no...that's just him!
Mother Ahhh, I was gonna say...otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Wise Man #1 By what name are you calling him?
Mother Uh...Brian.
Wise Men Together We worship you, oh Brian who art Lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
Mother You do a lot of this then?
Wise Man #2 What?
Mother This praising...?
Wise Man #2 No, no...
Mother Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, eh? And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense...but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? Good bye! Well, weren't they nice. Out of their bloody minds...
---Monty Python's Life of Brian
Transcripts of my release:
"Tell me," said Dr Stu Nata, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
Nutmeg: "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated Nutmeg. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." (yuk yuk)
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
"Tell me," said Dr Stu Nata, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
Nutmeg: "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated Nutmeg. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." (yuk yuk)
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."