Jokes 2

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.)

3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?

2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!

1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
 
Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids


10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they accepted my
mom's MasterCard"

7. "I want a 2008 Pontiac Aztec"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box, I'm gonna hunt you
down, old man"

5. "I'm Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"
 
There's a little boy standing on a corner jerking off and a cop comes along and says, "What are you doing, little boy?

"Fucking' nothing," replied the boy.
 
What To Say About The "Special" Christmas Gift


10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."
 
Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Child


10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put
the hurt on you!"

2. Labels on all your kid's toys and clothes read "Straight from the trash
heap to you"

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
 
Someone on glumbert posted the list of ladies, sans one:

Pickford
Gis
Swanson
Dietrich
Shearer
Harlow
Hepburn
Lombard
Davis
Garbo
Stanwyck
Leigh
Garson
Lamarr
Hayworth
Jones
Kerr
Bergman
Crawford
Rogers
Young
Garland
Baxter
Bacall
Hayward
Gardner
Monroe
Kelly
Turner
Taylor
Hedren
Hepburn
Dandridge
Maclaine
Wood
Lollabrigida
Leigh
Bardot
Loren
Ann-Margaret
Andrews
Welch
Weld
Fonda
Christie
Dunaway
Deneuve
Bisset
Bergen
Rosselini
Keaton
Hawn
Streep
Sarandon
Lange
Pfeiffer
Weaver
Turner
Foster
Bassett
Moore
Stone
Ryan
Roberts
Hayek
Bullock
Lane
Kidman
Zeta-Jones
Jolie
Theron
Witherspoon
Berry
 
Ah the good old days.

Reminds me.

Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?


Get it in his mouth.
 
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