Jokes 2

A man came in a bar with his monkey. the monkey started running around eating all the peanuts.then the monkey jumped on the pool table and ate the white ball.

The bartender pointed it out to the man who paid the bartender for all the damages. one week later the man and his monkey came back into the bar, the monkey ran over grabbed a peanut and stuck it up his butt.

The bartender pointed it out to the man. the man said "yah he always checks to make sure it fits ever since he ate that white ball".
 
Quote from Optionpro007:

Yannis, I have been meaning to ask you this for a very long time....

How old are you? if you don't mind me asking.

Just curious.
More...


Poll!!!!! Time for a poll!!

The teacher in a tenement district sent Mrs. Cohen a note. "Your son Abie stinks! Give him a bath."

The reply from Mrs. C. "My boy Abie ain't no rose. Don't smell him, learn him!"

From probably the early 30's, Moshe comes home with a poor report card. "Papa, he complained, the Nazis in the class bother me so I can't study."

"You need an education. I'm going to make you a Nazi. " and he does. But the next semester, the report is no better.

"Well, " says Papa.

Moshe says, "Papa, we Nazis don't learn as fast as those Jewish boys."
 
Brilliant, absolutely brillliant joke, and clean.

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
 
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon- to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hill-billy from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling assholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!'
 
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
 
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we fuck."
 
Two elderly Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much. I’m just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg who lives in Finchley?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose: Oh Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg only last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me out to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. As soon as we were in my living room, he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there and then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah.
 
More Jewish Humor

Abe and Sarah, both in their 90s, visit a lawyer.
"Now, let me get it straight," the lawyer says, "you want a divorce?"
"Yes, we do" they both answer.
"Why?"
"We just hate each other... ever since our first night together..."
"And, how long have you been married?"
"73 years."
"I don't understand... What took you so long?"
"We were just waiting for the kids to die!

:) :) :)
 
How About This Silly Oldie?

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

:) :) :)
 
"Just because I'm your lawyer, it doesn't mean that I actualy care what your problem is."

"You spoke to your pastor about your criminal matters...good. I spoke to G0D, and he wants you to take a plea and save everyone trouble."

You will NEVER be told the whole story.

The greater a client's sense of entitlement, the more of a pain in the ass they are.

No matter if the Judge gives you permission to beat your client...its probably not a good idea till you get that in writing.

All clients are assholes. No matter what. If they were not, they would not need lawyers.
 
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