Jokes 2

Old Blonde Tales

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and complains that her body hurts wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The young woman takes her finger, touches her left breast and screams, then she touches her elbow and screams even more. Same for her head, shoulder, knee and ankle. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

:) :) :)
 
Thigh Spots?

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
 
Nookie Green

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green
twice last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out
and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a
week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is
Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very
well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a
tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The
eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the
aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and
dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes.
 
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" -- Garry Shandling
 
Out In The Country

Two city guys were walking through the woods for the first time in their life and came upon a big black, deep hole. Not knowing what to do, one man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed - this was something they never expected.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

:) :) :)
 
Quote from TL Trader:

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
More...

http://elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1066034#post1066034
http://elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1212128#post1212128
http://elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1242981#post1242981

1. The joke isn't funny if you arbitrarily substitute your own politician.
2. I think it's poor manners to steal other people's jokes and repost them without proper attribution.
3. What is the moderator doing reposting an old post that had caused a flame war a year ago? Do you want to start another flame war?

Here are some real jokes:

Q: What was Senator Craig doing in the Bathroom?
A: Giving up his Seat.

"If Americans are willing to be undercover cops in airport mens’ rooms, it's hard to believe there are ANY jobs Americans won’t do."

"Senator Craig has withdrawn from the Romney campaign. He will now be supporting Ru Paul for President."

"As wide as your stance on immigration?"

"The officer then directed him to come out of the water closet."

"The senator claimed that he only reached under the stall because he'd dropped a proposition."

"Idaho? No, Senator Craig da ho."

And last, the ultimate Craig joke, from Craig's senate website:
"goal three:
Defend and strengthen the traditional values of the American family."
 
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

:) :) :)
 
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