Jokes 2

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.
 
Q: Why did God make Arsenal supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!



Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."
 
Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!
 
Very interesting jokes, and since 90% of us have no idea what or who you're talking about, makes it even funnier. I guess British soccer hasn't quite made it to the mainstream here yet. Good jokes however, LOL.

c
 
As a competitive youth soccer coach in the U.S. for many years; I enjoyed this humor about the sport "across the pond". However I am not about to forward it to my team :-)

Now for some humor about the U.S. Basketball Ref'ing scandal...

Top Ten Signs A Referee is Fixing the Games

10. The ref leads the league in blocked shots
9. When talking about the Spurs, the ref says: "we"
8. After 6 seconds, calls a 24-second violation
7. He's drawing up plays
6. Before tipoff, scoreboard reads 58 to nothing
5. Teams have scored a record number of two pointers, three pointers and eight pointers
4. Tossed one of the other officials out of the game
3. Has Bill Bennett's telephone number on speed dial
2. Miami Heat hasn't lost a game since Shaq promised to help the referee's fat son
1. The Knicks are winning
 
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
_____________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
 
2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule Of Events

7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ~ "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast and then another
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast - looks like this is the last one...
1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home!

:) :) :)
 
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