Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Nice use of the spacebar to move the nipples to each side. Well done.
OK Don, I understand what you are saying, but the trick is to be an equal opportunity offender. For example, here's one that offends almost everybody:
"The results of a poll made by United Nations came out. The question was: "Please, tell us honestly what is your opinion about the abundance vs. scarcity of food in the rest of the world." The results were as follows:
The Swiss did not understand what was meant by "scarcity".
The Africans did not understand "abundance"
The French asked whether the question was about plain food or "cake."
The Americans asked the meaning of the "rest of the world".
The Chinese, puzzled, asked for an explanation of "opinion".
The Germans planned to take measures against those who did not answer the question.
Meanwhile, in the Italian Parliament, they are still debating the meaning of "honestly"."
Another One
European heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.Ã Ã Ã.
European hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.
European heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.Ã Ã Ã.
European hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.
And Another One
A NATO ship captain has only a few seconds to convince the sailors of his sinking ship to jump overboard. Under such dire conditions and scarcity of time, he has to use a different approach with each nationality. So, he tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump. He tells the French it would be the smart thing to do. He tells the Germans that it is an order from Berlin. He tells the Americans that the first one in the water gets $100. He tells the Italians that a beautiful mermaid has been spotted off the port bow. And he tells the Greeks that jumping overboard is strictly forbidden.
A NATO ship captain has only a few seconds to convince the sailors of his sinking ship to jump overboard. Under such dire conditions and scarcity of time, he has to use a different approach with each nationality. So, he tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump. He tells the French it would be the smart thing to do. He tells the Germans that it is an order from Berlin. He tells the Americans that the first one in the water gets $100. He tells the Italians that a beautiful mermaid has been spotted off the port bow. And he tells the Greeks that jumping overboard is strictly forbidden.
OK, This Is The Last One
The trains in Italy are so late that they need to have a pregnancy test.
Italians have only two things on their mind. The other one is spaghetti and meatballs.
A well known statistic measuring the respect that people have for their government shows that being in the twenty-five countries of the European Community, Italy, is twenty-sixth to no one.
A German, an American and an Italian are discussing, in a bar, about the past war time bragging about their respective navy fleets. The German: "we had such big air carriers that in order to move from bow to stern we had to use bicycles". The American: "And so what?? Ours were so big that we had to use motorcycles". The Italian: "You both make me laugh! Our air carriers were so big that there was a war going on at stern and at bow nobody knew what the hell was going on."
One Italian is a great lover, two are complaining all the time, three make up four political parties.
The European situation is serious, but not desperate! The Italian situation is desperate but not serious!
The Italian is moved by an uncontrolled need of injustice.
If you meet three car drivers: in England they set up a club, in France a "menage a' trois", in Italy create a traffic jam.
When a German doesn't know one thing... HE LEARNS IT.
When an American doesn't know one thing... HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
When a British doesn't know one thing... HE BETS ON IT.
When a French doesn't know one thing... HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
When a Spanish doesn't know one thing... HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
When a Greek doesn't know one thing... HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
When an Irish doesn't know one thing... HE DRINKS ON IT.
When a Swiss doesn't know one thing... HE STUDIES IT.
When an Italian doesn't know one thing... HE TEACHES IT!!!
Italy is changing so fast that you're never sure if you have paid the right amount of money "under the table".
The Italian infantry never withdraws; it just makes half a turn and continues its advance.
In Germany a new special machine made the news: it catches thieves in only five minutes. Installed in the USA, it allowed 1000 thieves to be caught in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in just under five minutes!
The trains in Italy are so late that they need to have a pregnancy test.
Italians have only two things on their mind. The other one is spaghetti and meatballs.
A well known statistic measuring the respect that people have for their government shows that being in the twenty-five countries of the European Community, Italy, is twenty-sixth to no one.
A German, an American and an Italian are discussing, in a bar, about the past war time bragging about their respective navy fleets. The German: "we had such big air carriers that in order to move from bow to stern we had to use bicycles". The American: "And so what?? Ours were so big that we had to use motorcycles". The Italian: "You both make me laugh! Our air carriers were so big that there was a war going on at stern and at bow nobody knew what the hell was going on."
One Italian is a great lover, two are complaining all the time, three make up four political parties.
The European situation is serious, but not desperate! The Italian situation is desperate but not serious!
The Italian is moved by an uncontrolled need of injustice.
If you meet three car drivers: in England they set up a club, in France a "menage a' trois", in Italy create a traffic jam.
When a German doesn't know one thing... HE LEARNS IT.
When an American doesn't know one thing... HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
When a British doesn't know one thing... HE BETS ON IT.
When a French doesn't know one thing... HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
When a Spanish doesn't know one thing... HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
When a Greek doesn't know one thing... HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
When an Irish doesn't know one thing... HE DRINKS ON IT.
When a Swiss doesn't know one thing... HE STUDIES IT.
When an Italian doesn't know one thing... HE TEACHES IT!!!
Italy is changing so fast that you're never sure if you have paid the right amount of money "under the table".
The Italian infantry never withdraws; it just makes half a turn and continues its advance.
In Germany a new special machine made the news: it catches thieves in only five minutes. Installed in the USA, it allowed 1000 thieves to be caught in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in just under five minutes!
Buddy Hackett was on the tonight show in 1967. The Six Day War was concluding. The NY Mets were the most hapless team in baseball.
Hackett called the Arabs, "The Mets with rifles."
And I think I might have posted this one, but Drew Carey was doing a USO show in Iraq.
He pointed out that during the Vietnam war, a GI would fall for some good looking Vietnamese girl, bring her back to the States and marry her. He said, "I dont' see that happenin' in this War. Geez, when your out there in your helicopters, drop some razors and makeup, will ya??"
Hackett called the Arabs, "The Mets with rifles."
And I think I might have posted this one, but Drew Carey was doing a USO show in Iraq.
He pointed out that during the Vietnam war, a GI would fall for some good looking Vietnamese girl, bring her back to the States and marry her. He said, "I dont' see that happenin' in this War. Geez, when your out there in your helicopters, drop some razors and makeup, will ya??"
"Bush to undergo routine colonoscopy"
I didn't know that Bush was scheduled for brain surgery this weekend.
I didn't know that Bush was scheduled for brain surgery this weekend.
It's exploratory surgery; they're just peeking to see if the organ even exists.