Jokes 2

Quote from Bsulli:

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you

went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

:eek:
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Gotta share this with Mom. Thanks.

Ed's golfing buddy passes. After a while, Ed starts seeing his pal's widow, and being respectful, he keeps his distance. But things leading to, well, things, they end up in the rack. Ed gives it the old college try, is spent, and is coaxed back for the rematch. On and on, for hours, she pulls him on top of her. Ed, exhausted, drags himself to window, throws it open, peers skyward.....

"Jeez, Harvey. What's par on this hole?"
 
Edna and Harvey are in the retirement home. One day Edna tells him "If you pull down your pants I can tell you your age". He pulls his trousers down, she is checking and poking and lifting and looking. Finally she says "you're 81 years old". Harvey is amazed she got it right and exclaims "how did you know that?". Edna Edan says "you told me yesterday".
 
A wealthy man parked his brand new Porche in front of his yacht club, ready to show it off to his friends.

Just as he got out of the car, an truck passed too close and ripped the door off

When the police arrive the man does nothing except scream hysterically about how he just bought his car just a day earlier, and now it was totally ruined.

When he finally calmed down from his ranting, the cop said: "I can't believe how materialistic you are! Don't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the man. "Where's my Rolex?"
 
Here's a handy health tip from Doctor K: if you ever get a wild urge to start yourself on fire, sit down and relax until it goes away. Because (A) it's not a particularly useful method for killing infidels, and (B) it. hurts. like. a. motherfucker. So much that I almost enjoyed the distraction those high-pressure water canons and getting my lights punched out by that crazy mumble-mouthed Scottish baggage handler.
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Go read the rest of <A href="http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2007/07/that-didnt-go-s.html">what really happened in London</a>.
 
Quote from TGregg:

Go read the rest of <A href="http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2007/07/that-didnt-go-s.html">what really happened in London</a>.
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As Richard Jeni said, "and all to see who has the greatest imaginary friend."
 
Quote from Tech Analysis:

Didja hear about the guy who had a fifth on the fourth, and he couldn't come forth on the fifth?
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Was he the window washer who was late getting to the third floor, because he got a little behind on the second?

News just reported Heidi Fleiss bought a dry cleaning place in Vegas. Was thinking of something clever, when the old standard moved into the frontal lobe:

What do you get when you cross a Chinaman w/ a hooker?

Somebody that'll suck your laundry.
 
What's the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an engineer?

The optimist says the bottle is half full, the pessimist says it's half empty.
The engineering department takes one look at the bottle ans says,
"Yo...will someone PLEASE call manufacturing and tell those idiots over there that this damn bottle is twice as big as it has to be?"
 
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer nodded and pointed to his far left, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer shrugged his shoulders and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest of hornets and the bull's horns were gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Just show him your %%$$##** card!!"

:) :) :)
 
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